Grown

I’m not sure if this whole adult thing is going to work out for me. It seems way to tedious and boring for a guy like me. What the fuck do I need with a 401k? I’ll never be able to spend it cause I’ll be dead. No way I’m making it that long. Be lucky to see next year, we aren’t planning past then. Shit we ain’t planning till then either. We ain’t planning shit. Mentioning 9 to 5 career type jobs, mortgage payments, credit scores, background checks, even leases and utility bills all make my skin crawl. The thought of setting down some roots is laughable. Stability? What the fuck is that? Structure? I’ll pass. The responsibilities I want have been stolen or I’ve been judged unworthy of the job and so fuck the responsibilities you want me to have, I’ll pass on that shit too. I’m pretty sure that the blood in my veins has some Gypsy in it, cause I’m tugged and pulled nomadically from place to place. Never quite feeling comfortable anywhere and so always feeling an urge to move on. On to the next one. Or maybe it’s rabbit blood cause I do really like to fuck. Regardless of the blood type I oftentimes feel like I’m afloat, drifting with whatever gust I can get ahold of. Aimlessly floating through this life. Can I get a mulligan? I think this one’s broke can I get a new one? Impatiently awaiting a flash that should of been here years ago, then I remember that there is no death and that I can’t die. I’m immortal. This body will eventually rot away on me but the essence that is me is eternal. It can not be destroyed. It’s on an eternal loop, around and around and around. Groundhog’s Day. A pointless exercise in futility. My nihilism is somewhat debilitating at times and I can tell you it does nothing for my chemical imbalances, stoking my anxiety and depression. Dulling my drive and motivation. Leaving me no reason to make any plans, stealing even the desire to do so. I sometimes think about killing myself. I mean, why wouldn’t I? I’m pretty unhappy with the way things have played out, I don’t feel like I ever even really got a chance. I think I may have been screwed from the beginning, having been born to all of this, for all of this, then actually this is God’s plan and it is fair. Maybe I do deserve all of this pain and suffering. As far as I can tell, that’s all that life really is anyways, pain and suffering. I’m good to go whenever. I’ve been good for a while, actually I’ve been overdue. If not for my mom and the fact that it would fuck her up something fierce, I wouldn’t hesitate to off myself, shit I can think of all kinds of reasons to do it and not a lot that would argue against it. I’m exhausted from the bullshit that’s been my life. I’m over all of the lame ass fake ass people, with their judgemental assumptions and their tendency to talk out the side of their necks. The fact that people just can’t be trusted. Unless you’re trusting them to fuck you up, you can probably count on that. But the quality of people anymore has gone south quick as fuck. People care only for themselves and their own struggles, not giving two fucks about your problems and only getting involved in the first place because they have a hidden agenda and it furthers that agenda to fuck with you. Relationships don’t have the value that they used to have, people finding it makes better sense to just toss your ass out and get a new one, instead of investing anything into something that’s not for sure and building with someone when you’ll probably just be let down anyways. I don’t think we connect with other people anymore, not really and truly. That we are just moving along and that everything is pointless and wasted. All the things that you had hoped to be legit and true, all bullshit. Nothing matters. Especially you. Dreams are just a cruel joke. Things won’t get better. There is no happily ever after, and the American dream is nothing more then a scam. You can drink the Kool aid and it will basically numb you to what’s going on, allowing you to continue to work and feed the machine. But the Kool taste like shit, even with me being as thirsty as I am I can’t figure out how to choke it down, leaving me outside looking in. An outsider, some kind of freak.

You can’t come where I’m going.

Some people just ain’t cut out for this shit. Actually most people aren’t cut out for it. And the fact that we’ve made it as far as we have with all the bullshit life has heaped in our path is down right amazing. This is a cold ass world that we’ve built with people more concerned with their smart phones then they are with the world around them. Compassion and humanity are slowly dying in front of our eyes as society continues its decay. Nobody cares about anybody like they used to. Everyday a wedge is hammered between us in one form or another be it politically, socially, racially, or economically as our fear and hate choke out any kind of chance we stand to fix this. The government propaganda campaigns and the government funded stimulations that have been shoved down our throats, force-fed to us in an attempt to steal are ability to think for ourselves, installing within us a need to go with the flow, to not rock the boat and to join the cookie cutter population of sheep, of slaves. Just drink the Kool Aid and go about your way, there’s nothing to see here. All of us are born with the knowledge of everything and from the day he are born until the day where they crush us as children with nos, and can’ts, and stops and impossible, restricting our potential and killing our magic. Then it’s off to school where they will be taught virtually nothing that they will actually be able to use in real life, instead being taught further the importance of popularity, and acceptance. Force feeding them the American dream, molding them into the sheep and slaves they will become. Then off to college so they can gain a huge debt due to school loans, putting them in the pockets of the financial institutions they now owe. Preparing them for their 9 to 5 existence for a corporation that neither needs not values you or the work you’re capable of doing. Putting into you 401k, signing a mortgage on an overpriced, poorly constructed home, where you’ll spend virtually your entire life trying to pay off, only to die a miserable death feeling unfulfilled and used. But at least there’s all that money you’ve saved over all the years of slave labor. To bad your worthless, ungrateful, family is going to become petty as fuck, fighting amongst each over who deserves what destroying whatever was actually there as a family relationship. And with your death you assume you will be, based on you basic goodness, allowed to enter heaven, but as the last breath escape your lungs your light and any hope of some fictional heaven fade away you final thought is that you’ve been tricked, that you have actually wasted your life in pursuit of a lie. And then flash, on to the next one, fresh restart from the beginning making your last life pointless and forgotten. I’m not going out like that. I will never conform to what someone determines is my best route, not unless I see it as my best route. I will not drink your bitter Kool-Aid, I will not buy into your faux American dream. I have zero urge to fit in or be normal. In fact I hold people who seek popularity and normalcy in contempt. I want to be socially acceptable like I want a hole in my head. I’m personally sickened by what our society has become, of what has become important to us as humans. Our quality of character has declined to such extremes that we walk right by people direly in mind of assistance as if they were invisible. We no longer try to build people up, opting instead to destroy/damage them because we are savages and it’s cool to be a savage. Or maybe it is actually insecurity that causes us to do this, fear that someone is going to look better then you or be loved more then you. Maybe you’re just a dick. Regardless we don’t give a shit about each other. 99% of the population’s word ain’t shit. They oftentimes have zero intention of doing what they said they’d do, simply needing you to do something for them and so manipulating you with the bullshit. The youth of our nation have got me worried as well, this is who we are gonna pass this shit off to? That’s the hope of our nation? Cause if it is we are fucked. Little motherfucking entitled fucks. No respect, very few even posses manners, spoiled, lazy little rats. Quick as fuck to tell on someone for pretty much anything, especially their parents if they try to discipline them. They are dumb as fuck, choosing to spend more time on snapchat or youtube then in furthering the knowledge and understanding of things. But that’s not what they think being convinced that they know everything and have everything figured out, that we as adults or even looked at as an elder have no idea. Claiming the difference in the times as the reason for being clueless in this scary new future. And it seems like everyone is just cool with this direction our humanity is taking, content to just sit back and watch as you’re enslaved and consumed by the monster you created. Reap what you sow motherfucker, reap what you sow.

For the bootlickers out there

So it’s no secret that I’m no fan of the police, in fact it’s fair to say that I pretty much hate those motherfuckers and everything that they’ve been built for. Now before I get all the dumb ass comments about how if I ever need the police I will be singing a different tune, let’s kill that right now, no I won’t. I won’t ever need them and even if I did “need” them, I sure the fuck ain’t calling them so leave that shit at the door. And before I get the other shit about us needing law enforcement of some sort, let’s smash that out by saying, unfortunately I couldn’t agree more. We live in a seriously fucked up day and age. Our humanity is dying. Everyday drifting farther and farther away. We grow colder and more aloof daily which at this point is being encouraged by the man with his social distancing and legally required masks. And so I believe that we do need some form of law enforcement. But not this kind. Not this policy enforcer bullshit. Socially acceptable gangbanging is what it really is. Lame ass motherfuckers just running around extorting people for any number of “laws” they personally have created for that exact purpose. Well maybe not them. It was their pimp Masters that created the laws, the pigs just enforce them. Swearing an oath to uphold unjust and unnecessary laws simply to fatten the already swollen coffers that their Masters have laid out for them. Violating people regularly and murdering them randomly, all with the insane authority y’all have bestowed upon them and the umbrella protection that the man provides for them. Walking away from killing children and school teachers all because they “feared for their lives” with nothing more then the inconvenience of a news camera and maybe a 2 week paid vacation. Justifying their ridiculous actions that cause the deaths of innocent people and more often then not rejoining the force without so much as a cut in pay. The department settling with the families for some pathetically small amounts of money and then trying to distance themselves from it as much as they can, as fast as they can. We have pigs out here that aren’t fit to be babysitting y’all’s fucking kids but we’re gonna give them some guns and tell them to go out and make sure people are doing what they’re supposed to be doing, in accordance with the law. Some of these motherfuckers couldn’t even begin to tell you about integrity and honor, about respect. They take the gay little badge you maniacs pinned on them and flex the muscles you gave them, making sure we act right instead of running around raping and stabbing each other like we almost definitely would be doing without them. Risking their lives to make sure we’re all safe. Wait what? How’s that? The job description itself says that everyday they are expected to just lay it down and do some hero shit. Risking their lives so we will be safe. Thats what they are signing up for. That’s the gig. So how the fuck you gonna murder a little retarded kid holding a Nintendo controller because you feared for your life? Maybe you signed up for the wrong gig. Maybe dollar general is a better fit? But we would never know. Not until he kills some poor motherfucker because of his inability to read a situation properly and his hair trigger. Because of his fear. Pigs shouldn’t be scared. They shouldn’t fear death. Fuck they should borderline want that shit. But instead we have former high school quarterbacks that couldn’t cut it on the college level and since they hadn’t had a plan b when the recruiters never showed up and they didn’t have the balls to join the military, being a pig was the best option left amongst Walmart cashier and elementary school janitor. The requirements to become a cop are ridiculously inadequate basically allowing anybody with a ged and a heartbeat to join up. Sending them to six weeks of training and them giving them a weapon and an entitlement issue and setting them free. They absolutely need to abolish the police. We do need some kind of law enforcement, I will not disagree with that but not this. Not these clowns. These thugs. The job description requires a hero type and I think that’s what they should be demanded. The job requirements should include a psychological exam and an integrity check. Empathy should be a class taught at their silly little academy and humility should be emphasized. In a perfect world we wouldn’t need the police but this is a far from perfect world, we deserve the police to be a lot closer to the heros we need and a lot farther from the bullies and thugs that they actually are.

But it ain’t snowing

It’s insanely hot on the west coast pretty much for the next week straight, with temperatures as high as 112° expected and an average of something ridiculous like 105°. Today it was 108° and it’s still 94° at 8:30 pm. I’m from the mountains of Colorado where 94° is considered a heatwave, so this shit is not what I’m used to. It’s so fucking hot, I’m sweating balls all day long which ain’t helping me in my attempt to gain weight at all but I don’t even really mind. It is damn close to unbearable but I actually kinda like it. It does make it a little harder to focus and I am a little more agitated overall, but I’ll take this shit over snow and being cold any day. I’ve spent close to 40 years being cold in a landscape covered in snow for 7 to 9 months of the year. It’s so fucking hot though. I had to get an air conditioner for my room because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be getting any sleep and wouldn’t be able to handle the oven that is my room without the air conditioner before 8:00/9:00 pm. I had a two fan system at first but that just didn’t cut it, it was still sweltering in there so the air conditioning was a must. I do wonder how this heat is affecting my weed plants though, I hope they are tough.

You’ve been warned

I am toxic as fuck. You should probably stay away from me because believe it or not, I’m dangerous as fuck. Chances are, I will change your life. Probably not for the better. I have a tendency to implode and so it’s only fair that I warn you. I don’t have anything that you need, I only posses things that you want, so you should probably stay away cause I don’t want to see you get hurt. And the chances of that increase greatly as well when you’re around me. It’s not that I’m maliciously seeking to hurt you or that I don’t care, that’s actually why I say this now but I’m self-destructive as fuck and I’m reckless. I have such little hope that I may as well have none. My dreams are dead. I’m not actively searching out death but I’m not running from it either. I’m not a good man. I’m a solid dude but I’m nowhere close to being a good man. While I still try and be a better version of myself then I was the day before and will always do that, I’m not even sure that I want to be a good man anymore. I’ve been a bad guy so long that I’m comfortable there and if I can’t find a reason to want to become a good man, then why shouldn’t I just be comfortable with being a bad guy? I don’t know. That’s the mantra right now, I don’t know. Don’t know if I’m going left or right. Don’t know what I want to do with my life. Don’t know who to trust or why to trust them. Don’t know much of anything. I do know that I love you. All of you. And I want you to be ok. I don’t know if I even care if I’m ok anymore. I don’t know if I even can be ok anymore. The one thing I do know is that I don’t know nothing. And it’s not that I don’t want to be around you either. I crave connection above everything else and I’m indiscriminate in my selection when it comes to the company I keep so it not that I don’t want you around. It’s simply because try as I might, I can’t seem to get away from the person I am. The person I was. Or the person I will become. Everytime I look, there I am. And it’s been exhausting running away from all of that. I’m tired as fuck. I already have a long list of unfortunate events that have happened due either directly or indirectly to me myself and I. Not regrets because I regret nothing, but as close as you will get with me and so they sit with me uncomfortably. I don’t need more. I’m already past my limit in that department and the over-draft charges are brutal. I won’t turn you away but I’ll still advise you keep your distance.

Music to soothe your soul.

I’m a punk rocker first and foremost. I will always love no talent, loud, fast, noises. With it’s angst filled, angry, fuck the system, mentality, how could I not like punk rock? But ever since I caught that head injury, EDM is where it’s at. Drum and bass, trapstep, dubstep, and pretty much everything after that, not before. Fuck house music. But electronic music is the truth. I mean, if nothing else, I’ll at least be able to communicate with the robots when they take over. The first time I ever heard EDM and liked it was some dubstepped out Slipknot song. The sounds that I heard, immediately making me think about shooting cocaine and the bells at the gates of hell, I fell straight in love. With the assistance of my 12″ subwoofer and it’s two little buddy amps, I and everyone in my general vicinity get to experience a lovely bass drop, I have many. Inside the truck is where it’s at though, with the subwoofer hitting so hard that it shakes your foundations, you are able to feel the bass inside of you. Erupting from you or through you. My shit is pretty loud. You can hear it inside the Dollar General if I leave it running while I run in the store. Like in the very back corner of the store you can still hear it, feel it almost. It pounds so hard that the vibrations shook my rearview mirror straight off the windshield. But I feel like I want it to be even louder so I’m currently in the process of shopping for a new set-up. I’m gonna replace the one 12″ sub with dual 12″ subs enclosed together, preferably with an amp in the 1000/1500 watt neighborhood, but if I can’t find what I want I still have 2 amps that push almost 1000 watts so with 2 12’s pushed by the 1000 that I got it will definitely be louder then just one 12. I don’t know if you have ever experienced EDM but if you haven’t, I highly suggest that you give it a shot. Try Zed’s Dead, Butch Clancy, Monxx, Skrillex, Dillon Francis, Allison in Wonderland, Nero, Excision, that’s a good place to start. I mean, at least you’ll be able to communicate with the robots when they take over.

Energy Transfer

So one of my dreams or goals, if you like, is to one day, manifest wings from my back and to use those wings to soar over the masses. At one time the delusion was more detailed and the wings were necessary because the world was being flooded and so the only way to survive was for you to fly, otherwise you’re ass was dead. Drowned. Something about everything being 75% water and the world reclaiming itself, wiping out humanity as it was known. In this dream, it’s up to me to save the world or to save our humanity and with water taking everything back, flooding the planet like in the bible, and with me forgetting to make the arc, the only place to go is up. Wings erupting from my back and beating furiously, pulling me skyward and away from the waters below. Witnessing my magic allowing others to recognize their own magic and that combined with the rising waters and inescapable death allow y’all to grow your own wings. Needless to say, I’ve gotten a hard time about this delusion, most people simply laughing it away, telling me I’m crazy. To which I tell them, “You won’t be saying that shit as I flap my wings and soar over all you motherfuckers on the ground.” Followed by, “This shit is gonna happen, as long as I can wrap my mind around it.” Which is my answer to most things. Nothing is impossible as long as you can wrap your mind around it. Prior to its creation, the 3D printer was impossible. The idea of taking stem cells, feeding them into some kind of machine, and then using that and making a biologically correct human foot, printing a biologically correct human foot, that shit was impossible. At least until dude wrapped his mind around it. The 3D printer is energy transfer. Use the transformed energy from the stem cells and voila, human foot, so logically the same could be done for my wings. I just need to transfer energy from something else to build my wings. I thought stem cells came from dead babies but apparently it can be farmed from your spine. Anyways I didn’t know about stem cells in your spine when I developed this delusion so my energy transfer would come from my eyes. I’d take my eyes and use the energy from them to build my wings. Why my eyes you might ask? Because your eyes are a fucking parasite. Someone please tell me why it is that from the day we’re born till the day we die we grow and change in size. Growing from a little baby that would fit inside your momma’s tummy to the full sized version that would not. Everything grows, your legs, your chest, your heart, your brain, lungs, arms. Everything. Except your eyes. Your eyes are the only thing that never changes size, never grow. The growth of a person’s eyes over their lifetime is so miniscule that it’s unnoticeable. Why is it that your eyes don’t grow? Because they aren’t a part of your body, they are a parasite added to us at birth to cage or control us. To harness our energy and to cage it. They always say some shit about the eyes too, like “Seeing is believing”, “The eyes are the window to the soul”, ect, ect. I can personally tell you that seeing is not believing, that I have in fact seen things that were absolutely not real, but my eyes would have me believing that they were. I feel that your eyes actually hinder you, they restrain you, and trick you. I believe that if we didn’t have our eyes to “See”, we would actually see a whole lot better.

Fuck Hallmark

Fuck father’s day. In fact fuck all of those fake ass hallmark holidays, but especially fuck father’s day. Prior to the birth of my first child I was a completely different person. I was angry as a kid. I had a lot of hate. The birth of Brooklyn stole this from me and transformed all that hate into love, giving me an abundance of love. When I lost her and subsequently her mother decided to keep me out of here life, I was left with all of this love, love that expired with the discovery that her mom was in fact going to keep my daughter from me in spite of telling me something different and the death of the dream that was me being a father. While I love both of my children very much and wouldn’t change a thing given the chance except to be in their lives, but to have loved and lost is absolutely not better then to have never loved at all. If I never knew how much I loved them, I would never feel how much I miss them. Their absence wouldn’t leave me feeling empty and vacant. If I had never known their shine, their glow, then I wouldn’t notice that it was gone. But I do. And so while my children are the very best thing in my life, they are also the worst. It don’t even feel right writing that but it is what it is. The absence of my children from my life has caused me numerous problems but the number one thing it’s don’t to fuck me is it stole my hope and it holds my goodness hostage at the end of a gun. It’s made my life extremely dark and gloomy. Stealing my light from the end of my tunnel, causing me to wonder what’s the point? It would be one thing if I was dangerous to my kids but while I will admit not always being the best role model, I have never been a danger to my kids. Even the day that the sun went out I was at the homies house because it was safe there. We were there because I had realized that I was entirely to wasted and so we went to homeboys house to put her in a safer environment. Somewhere that I could sleep it off and Brooklyn would be looked after. And I really do believe that had I just been left alone to sleep, I would have been fine, waking up in the morning all hung over from the booze and the pills, but waking up none the less. I wouldn’t have died. But that’s not what happened and so I overdosed instead, putting my daughter in an unsafe environment by doing so, opening the door for those motherfuckers and her mom to declare my worth as a father and deciding it wasn’t much eliminated me from her life as if I’d never been there at all. That’s why I wasn’t trying to get Tighlar pregnant, but she got all sad and I’m a fucking moron and next thing you know, we are pregnant with Hayden. I found this out in jail from the guards. They told me cause they didn’t want some other inmate to tell me, Tighlar was in jail in the girls pod. We were codefendant’s and anyone can tell you that I wasn’t the one calling the shots. Tighlar was in trouble long before she ever met me. In fact I think she had just gotten out of rehab or something when we first met. By the time she was 5 months along we both had felony warrants for some stolen cars and were living at a trap house in Pueblo, at which point I saw the light and took us to Iowa to have the baby. Enter sweet little baby Hayden, beautiful just like her momma, born in Des Moines while we were wanted for some bullshit and so hiding out with my family in Iowa. I got to experience my family for 3 months before I was finally arrested at Tighlars mom’s house back in Colorado to in fact turn myself in I had struggled with actually doing it though and so her mom ratted me out. Last thing I saw as I was taken away in handcuffs was Tighlar breastfeeding my daughter. In jail I found out that I was actually being charged with the car that Tighlar and her little friends stole from Idaho Falls to get back to Colorado, a car that was stolen while I was locked up in Bonniville County jail and was recovered by the police while I was still in there. The cops were just lazy as fuck. I could have beat that case easy and the other one they had on me was so sloppy it never would have made it to a courtroom. It never did. No instead I just took the hit. Those cops and da’s even the lawyer I had as private council, the judge, they had a look about them that said it was me they wanted to hang. I’m the bad guy that needs to be taken off the streets. It was plain as day. And the last thing I’d seen was her breastfeeding my daughter, it seemed like she was more important to the whole equation then I was so I worked out a deal with the da so that I would plead guilty, they would have an open sentence on me and they would drop the charges against Tighlar because she was only guilty of falling in love with a piece of shit like me. They didn’t drop the charges but she got a year of unsupervised probation. I went to prison for 3 years. While in prison Tighlar did some dumb shit and so her mother Julie got emergency custody of Hayden until Tighlar could get her shit together, which she finally did. At which point I was out of prison and going to court with Tighlar for these, finally the judge allowed Julie to give Tighlar back Hayden but the judge issued shared joint custody of Hayden to Tighlar and I. He didn’t say here you go Tighlar, fuck Jason. Yet that’s what Tighlar heard and so one morning while I slept, Tighlar just up and left Colorado with my daughter to the greener pastures of Montana. I have tried to communicate with her so I can see my kid but Tighlar is apparently doing good in her life right now and so she can judge me and deem me unworthy of knowing my daughter and so even though I’ve told her I wanted to know my daughter and even after she’d agreed I wasn’t a danger to my daughter and I gave her my phone number, actually hoping to get hers in return but failing. Father’s day passes and my phone don’t ring. Not once. In fact I only had one person tell me happy father’s day, my homeboy who’s couch I overdosed on to start all this bullshit. So yeah, fuck father’s day.

Bangin’ & Slangin’

Part of me feels like I’m more addicted to the lifestyle of being a criminal, then I am to anything the the lifestyle provides. A homie was like, “Remember that one time when you said that one shit?” And of course I didn’t but he told me I said, “I don’t do drugs, I am fucking drugs.” And that sounds about right, sounds like something I might say. Definitely sounds familiar but that’s probably cause I stole it from Salvador Dali. But it feels about right it definitely will fit. I like to joke that I do drugs, I don’t let them do me. Which is also legit. Chances are if you’ve ever met me I was wasted at least one of the times we were together with y’all none the wiser, more likely I was wasted everytime that we met. Functional and operating at full capacity, besides alcohol, alcohol is my kryptonite. I’m allergic to that shit, I break out in handcuffs and fresh charges. I’ve “come to” in a jail cell numerous times with no idea how I got there. I’d break into local establishments to get cigarettes, writing, signing and leaving a $10 bill. All the while the front window is trashed cause I used a trash can to gain entrance into the store and I’m not calculating that into the equation. Pack of cigarettes that should cost $7 ends up costing me close to a g cause of the fucking window. I’m lucky I knew the owner who watchd me do all of this on the security camera they have at the store, which I’m fully aware of them having. Had we not previously known each other he very likely would have call the pigs and let me take it which is prison time for sure. For a pack of smokes. So I don’t drink. I do do everything else though. I have been in active addiction for my entire life it feels like, with only a couple of stretches of sobriety thrown in there occasionally. Like when I had my kids. Or I was locked up. I don’t get high while incarcerated. I get high on life. The first time I went to prison I was like, “Well fuck. I guess this is happening now and since it is and since it’s my own damn fault for getting there, I feel that I owe it to myself to utilize the state paid vacation in a productive manner, exiting prisons a better version of myself then I went in there being. I work out and get big as fuck, at least for me, leaving prison averaging like 165 lbs but topping out over 180 lbs once. Bigger, healthier, more educated, more knowledgeable, with new connections and different ideas. It’s like bad guy college or maybe even bad guy summer camp. And so everytime that these motherfuckers decide that I’m not worth rehabilitating, that I can not even pass go or collect my $200, straight to jail I go. And so since this is their decision as to my options and avenues, my decision is to leave prison a more efficient and streamlined criminal then the one I went in there as. If you can’t be good then try to be good at it, and I’m not bad at it at all. I’ll be the first one to tell you that this all falls in my lap, regardless of actual fault it still boils down to me, so this right here, this that I am. It’s a collaboration. We have all worked towards the creation of Jason, some more then others, but I sure don’t remember a lot of people trying to talk me out of shit. Maybe they knew it would do no good? Maybe you wanted me to do it, whatever it was for your own personal reasons, motivated by self-serving reasons or hidden agendas. Not giving a single fuck what could and commonly did happen and quickly distancing themselves from it as quickly as they’d approached it. Acting surprised or disappointed when it’s discovered that I’m once again incarcerated for some drug related bullshit. Bullshit facilitated by the actions and suggestions of plenty of y’all. There’s a little dirt on all of us, drugs are kind of a dirty thing. Their consequences and the prices owed for them, often heavy with their ugliness and dirt, but I’m the one coming away stained, tarnished with them, from them. And everybody else just walks away, unnoticed in the implosion that is my life and my infamy. And so I take the hit and you move along, brushing everything under the rug, seemingly forgetting or just plain ignoring the moves I made for you, to help you. Partly because I care about you and partly because it’s mine to take but none the less goes unappreciated and overlooked. Leaving me feeling foolish and unimportant as I dwindle and fade in your thoughts and memories. But even with it being the way it is with everything that’s happened, given the chance, I’d do it exactly the same. Because, number 1, I’m fucking retarded. And number 2, I was kinda born for this outlaw shit.

If I could do it all over again

It’s my little godson, Kaidyn’s 9th birthday today. His parents got him a 3D swimming pool. Huh? That’s a thing? I got him some Spiderman LEGOs and a Spiderman smartwatch. The future. Shit sure has changed since I turned nine. By the time I was eight I was already smoking weed. Instead of a 3D swimming pool and a smartwatch, I got a punch in the mouth. I remember my birthday’s stopped being important and cool around that age cause virtually every single one since, has sucked dick. Maybe 2 or 3 decent birthdays over the last 32 years, the rest were rough. I enjoy the company of my little godson. He’s quite the character, having a magnificent imagination, telling detailed background stories for all of his LEGO people. He is generally well behaved, especially compared to me as a child and probably compared to his parents as well. I think he’s gonna be fine. I think he’s growing into someone his parents and I will be proud of and it appears his road won’t be as bumpy as was that of mine or his dad’s. It makes you wonder. Had one thing just gone a little bit different, I could of led a completely different life, could be a completely different person. Had I zigged when I should of zagged, had I just listened to what I was told, would I not have suffered in the ways that I have? Probably. Almost definitely. But given the chance, armed with the knowledge I have now, would I go back and do it over again? Not a chance. Number 1; maybe shit is different, but maybe it’s not different better, maybe it’s different worse. Shit can always get worse. Number 2; if I go back and do things differently, then I’m most likely nothing like I am today, I’m probably a completely different person. Yeah fuck that. Regardless of what you think about me, or what they think about me, I personally think I’m rad. I’ve spent 41 years making myself the best version of myself that I can possibly be, whether you agree with that or not and so going back and doing it all over again would make all of this have been for not. All the blood, the pain, the tears, the scars, they would all mean nothing. And number 3; you couldn’t pay me enough to go back and be a kid again. For me, being a kid was being helpless, it was being small and insignificant. It felt powerless and insecure. Shaky and unsure. I hated being a kid. I was so angry. I felt so alone. I was scared and unsure of myself and my capabilities. That’s why I started doing drugs, because they filled all my gaps. Powerless? Not anymore. Scared? Of what you’re invincible. Alone and insecure? Yup it will fix that too. If I was to restart, then yes, I would have the opportunity to remove things, flaws, from my past and yes I could of zagged instead of zigged and quite possibly I’d be the president or a banker or some shit. Maybe I’d have the family I’ve always craved, maybe I’d be a spectacular husband to my beautiful wife and an excellent father to our perfect children. Or maybe I would of caught cancer at 18 like my friend Kenny did and been dead before exiting my teens. There’s endless what if’s, infinite should of’s and could of’s, hindsight is 20/20. Given the chance to go back I wouldn’t go. I’ve been waiting for the flash ever since the rip. I don’t fear death. I fear life.