My lack of direction has always been an issue throughout my life. It’s not that I’m lazy, cause while I can be lazy given the right circumstances, I am by no means lazy. I work. Regardless of the job, be it hustling or a 9 to 5, I work. So lazy is not the problem. My problem is that I just never really cared enough about the future to ever plan for it, I would rather just live it. I hate plans. I don’t make plans cause plans get fucked up. I just have ideas. And sometimes my ideas are fucked up. And sometimes they get fucked up. But very rarely do they ever have any pattern and so I bounce like a superball with a chunk torn out, all over the place. This is actually the way I like it. It’s probably the only way I know but it’s still the way I like it. The idea of making a plan or heading in one direction makes my skin crawl. Conforming and buying into the whole American dream bullshit. Becoming a productive member of society and making everyone proud yet still being me is a large fucking jump. It’s a jump I’m probably not gonna be able to make regardless of the choices I make in the future because of the simple fact that I don’t give a fuck about whether or not your proud of me. That Kool aid taste like shit and I’m not drinking it. That and the fact that I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. Shit, I’m still not sure if I want to grow up. And the beauty of it is you can’t make me. My mom is cool with it,(as long as I can stay out of prison) she’s proud of me. And so this is where the issue of having no direction can become a problem. For 41 years I’ve been cool with just letting the pieces lay where they fall. I haven’t ever wanted to build anything with them since I lost Brooklyn. In fact I didn’t just leave those pieces. I ran. I don’t know whether it’s cause I’m old or bored but I kinda want to do some shit. Not kinda, I really wanna do some shit. I just don’t know what shit it is I want to do.
So it’s no secret that I’m no fan of the police, in fact it’s fair to say that I pretty much hate those motherfuckers and everything that they’ve been built for. Now before I get all the dumb ass comments about how if I ever need the police I will be singing a different tune, let’s kill that right now, no I won’t. I won’t ever need them and even if I did “need” them, I sure the fuck ain’t calling them so leave that shit at the door. And before I get the other shit about us needing law enforcement of some sort, let’s smash that out by saying, unfortunately I couldn’t agree more. We live in a seriously fucked up day and age. Our humanity is dying. Everyday drifting farther and farther away. We grow colder and more aloof daily which at this point is being encouraged by the man with his social distancing and legally required masks. And so I believe that we do need some form of law enforcement. But not this kind. Not this policy enforcer bullshit. Socially acceptable gangbanging is what it really is. Lame ass motherfuckers just running around extorting people for any number of “laws” they personally have created for that exact purpose. Well maybe not them. It was their pimp Masters that created the laws, the pigs just enforce them. Swearing an oath to uphold unjust and unnecessary laws simply to fatten the already swollen coffers that their Masters have laid out for them. Violating people regularly and murdering them randomly, all with the insane authority y’all have bestowed upon them and the umbrella protection that the man provides for them. Walking away from killing children and school teachers all because they “feared for their lives” with nothing more then the inconvenience of a news camera and maybe a 2 week paid vacation. Justifying their ridiculous actions that cause the deaths of innocent people and more often then not rejoining the force without so much as a cut in pay. The department settling with the families for some pathetically small amounts of money and then trying to distance themselves from it as much as they can, as fast as they can. We have pigs out here that aren’t fit to be babysitting y’all’s fucking kids but we’re gonna give them some guns and tell them to go out and make sure people are doing what they’re supposed to be doing, in accordance with the law. Some of these motherfuckers couldn’t even begin to tell you about integrity and honor, about respect. They take the gay little badge you maniacs pinned on them and flex the muscles you gave them, making sure we act right instead of running around raping and stabbing each other like we almost definitely would be doing without them. Risking their lives to make sure we’re all safe. Wait what? How’s that? The job description itself says that everyday they are expected to just lay it down and do some hero shit. Risking their lives so we will be safe. Thats what they are signing up for. That’s the gig. So how the fuck you gonna murder a little retarded kid holding a Nintendo controller because you feared for your life? Maybe you signed up for the wrong gig. Maybe dollar general is a better fit? But we would never know. Not until he kills some poor motherfucker because of his inability to read a situation properly and his hair trigger. Because of his fear. Pigs shouldn’t be scared. They shouldn’t fear death. Fuck they should borderline want that shit. But instead we have former high school quarterbacks that couldn’t cut it on the college level and since they hadn’t had a plan b when the recruiters never showed up and they didn’t have the balls to join the military, being a pig was the best option left amongst Walmart cashier and elementary school janitor. The requirements to become a cop are ridiculously inadequate basically allowing anybody with a ged and a heartbeat to join up. Sending them to six weeks of training and them giving them a weapon and an entitlement issue and setting them free. They absolutely need to abolish the police. We do need some kind of law enforcement, I will not disagree with that but not this. Not these clowns. These thugs. The job description requires a hero type and I think that’s what they should be demanded. The job requirements should include a psychological exam and an integrity check. Empathy should be a class taught at their silly little academy and humility should be emphasized. In a perfect world we wouldn’t need the police but this is a far from perfect world, we deserve the police to be a lot closer to the heros we need and a lot farther from the bullies and thugs that they actually are.
Well who am I? That’s a legit question. A question that I’m not sure how to answer but it’s still a good question. I mean, I know who I’ve been, I know how I think, I know what I do, but who I am? Still working on it. I’m currently trying to figure out who I am, or at least who I want to be, and what I want to be when I grow up. Most of y’all worked on this a long ass time ago, like in grade school, but if you know me you know I’m not really like y’all and if you don’t know me you will soon learn and so while you guys were thinking about your future selves I was busy thinking about that day. I’ve never really looked for tomorrow because quite frankly tomorrow is just a dream. Who knows if tomorrow will even come? And so at 41 years old, having lived and died a thousand lifetimes in those 41 years, I sit here contemplating a future I never really wanted, and drawing blanks. In searching for a direction I’ve gotten plenty of feedback and people have been overwhelmingly pushing the whole writer thing. Firstly, I will not be writing my life story. That shit was hard enough to live, to think I’d want to go back and relive that shit as I write it? No fucking thanks. Plus, it’s really not a very interesting story. So I won’t be doing some autobiography. Which leaves me what? A novel? Ha. Short stories? About what? Children’s books? Self help? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I can’t even help myself how the fuck am I supposed to help you? So what does that leave? Freelance journalism. I Google searched how to become a freelance journalist and it basically says start a blog, write a bunch of shit on there and try to find a niche. A niche? What the fuck? That’s kinda always been my thing, I have no niche. But they said write what you know, write what you’re passionate about, that’s your niche. So drugs and addiction? Crime? Gangbanging and drug slanging? Anarchy? Are those niches? I have no idea. I mean who would want to read about my knowledge in drug addiction? Why? What good would my experiences with the system and my complete contempt for the government have to anyone else? Exactly.