Dreams

There is really only one person that I want to talk to yet have little chance that I will be able to talk to and that is my daughter Brooklyn. My parental rights for Brooklyn were terminated 14 years ago when she was nearly 4 years old. I made a mistake and got wasted with my daughter there, eating like 5 xanax bars and drinking a liter of 100 proof peppermint schnapps which caused me to have a heart attack and die for 3 minutes. Because my daughter was there when I did this shit the cops arrested me and charged me with child abuse for putting my daughter in an unsafe environment. I was on felony probation when this happened and so they violated my probation and sent me to prison and while I was in prison they declared that I was non-compliant with my DHS dependency and neglect case and they terminated my parental rights. That one choice, that one moment had more of an effect on my life then did any other handful of days combined and so on that day 14 years ago I basically died, being replaced by the imposter that I’ve become. When I made this mistake everyone kept telling me that I just had to wait 14 years until she turned 18 and then I could reenter her life and with a little luck, begin trying to make up for all the lost time and missed opportunities. It was like I had been sent to Purgatory 14 years ago and I had just been spinning my wheels, waiting for the magic date, 4/23/2023, and that on that magical date I would be rewarded for my patience with the magic of being able to return to my daughters life and become her father again. It’s amazing that I made it those 14 years because they were brutal, full of pain and suffering, loaded with disappointment and heartbreak. I spent a good chunk of that time locked up in prison, getting sent there 3 separate times during my stay in Purgatory. I got another chick pregnant, this one an evil succubus who stole my daughter and moved out of state during the middle of the night, and this after I had just spent 3 years in prison for a car that she stole and that I never even saw, after the courts had issued us both shared joint custody of my daughter. After all that, this bitch kidnapped my daughter at 4:00 am and moved to Montana from Colorado not even notifying me of it until 6:00 am. And all my efforts to be in my daughter’s life shot down and destroyed by her bitch ass mom who in all reality is just as fucked up as I am if not worst. 14 years of just one kick in the nuts after another. 14 years of depression and suicidal thoughts, of second guessing and apathetic nihilism. Like I said it’s a fucking miracle that I’m still alive but I hung on with the image of my daughter turning 18 and us reuniting in a relationship that at the time that it was severed was the strongest, most pure, realist relationship I had ever experienced, a relationship that to me at the time was a guarantee to return, picking up exactly where we had left of on that date so long ago. But it just goes to show you that regardless of how strongly you feel a relationship is or how for sure you are about something, regardless of fair and unfair, of what’s right and wrong, nothing in this life is guaranteed. Fair and unfair are simply reasons to bitch and regardless of how much you think that you deserve something in you life the truth is nothing is guaranteed and you deserve absolutely nothing. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I realize my error was my lack of action. Instead of patience and waiting for her to turn 18 I should have started fighting just as soon as I was released for prison. Never hesitating in my moves to get my daughter back, jumping through any hoop they demanded that I jump through. Cleaning up shop and doing what it took to bring her mom. But the weakness inside of me, as soon as I began hearing about what a shitty father I was and how much better my daughters lives would be without me in it, I began to let get to me and I slowly started to believe it and so here we sit, my daughter finally 18 but wanting nothing to do with me because for the last 14 years I did jack shit to fix our damaged relationship. Now I’m second guessing the majority of choices that I’ve made throughout the last 14 years and wondering what to do now