Self-improvement

There are probably a hundred different small improvements that I am make to better my life. I could be more compassionate, more humble. I could be more honest, less sercetive. I could create some boundaries in my life, protecting myself from being walked on and taken advantage of. I could start with trying to like myself and eventually falling in love with myself. That wouldn’t be a small improvement though, that would be a huge improvement. I could forgive myself for mistakes that I have made, allowing myself the ability to move forward in my life instead of being stuck in that moment from 14 years ago. Stuck in a pit of self-pity and regret. Depressed beyond all belief. Hating myself for a weak moment in my life that can never be relived, a moment that became bigger then me, all consuming. A moment that devoured my entire life, spitting me out the other side a shell of the man that I was before. I’ve refused to forgive myself for this for the last 14 years, claiming that it wasn’t my forgiveness to give, saying that only Brooklyn can forgive me for this and maybe thats true in a way. But regardless of what Brooklyn decides to do, I can’t stay back there anymore. Maybe it served a purpose once but it doesn’t anymore. Now all it does is shackle me to a past that never mattered, at least not to anybody but me. So probably the one most improtant improvement that I can make in my life right now is to forgive myself for past mistakes. Only problem is, I have no idea how to do that. I don’t even know where to start. I’ve held this grudge so long that it’s almost like a part of me. I need to figure out how to tear it off like a bandaid, as quick and painless as possible. Doing this will open the door for me to be able to like/love myself, which in turn will open the door for me to be able to pratice self-love and to take care of myself. That hasn’t been happening for the last 14 years and it’s only by miracle that I am still alive. I’ve been living a lifestyle full of danger and debauchery, full of chaos and lacking any kind of structure or responsibility. I’ve been to prison 3 times, living pretty much the entire time in active addiction with zero aspiration to do anything with my life except destroy it. It’s like I’m waking up from a dream. Like my head is still foggy and I’m not quite sure of anything. But even with the fog I’m still seeing better then i have in years, maybe ever, and I can see clear as day that I need to actually make some big improvements in my life, fuck a small one. Get busy living for something or say fuck it and die for nothing.