The future

It’s really hard for me to say exactly where I’m gonna be in 10 years, hopefully I’m not in jail. I’ve been stuck in a vicious cycle of running in and out of prison for the last 10 years so I’m really hoping that the next 10 years ain’t the same as the last 10 have been. It really all depends on me. Ever since I lost my daughter, losing her to the department of human services after I overdosed and died 14 years ago. Since that day I have just been on one. Going from being a full time father, completely consumed by taking care of my child to not having her at all has been devastating. As soon as I lost her I completely lost all hope, all desire to live a good healthy life. I went from caring about everything to caring about absolutely nothing overnight. I developed a strong hatred for myself over the whole situation, not being able to forgive myself for the mistake I made that cost me my little family and stole from me my happiness. For 14 years I haven’t looked forward to much of anything, instead looking to avoid all responsibility and basically just numb myself to everything. My daughter being born was the happiest, most amazing experience that I’ve ever had. I went from a little punk kid who didn’t care about anything, not even myself to being a father, excited for our future and enjoying every moment we had together. When I lost her it was like I died. I stopped caring about everything, especially myself. At the time 14 years seemed like an eternity, plus being so close to my fuck up I did not look forward to my daughter turning 18 so I could be back in her life. I had no desire to admit my failure to her or to myself for that matter and so I lived a reckless life full of chaos, which often got me locked behind bars. I’ve been to prison 3 times since I lost Brooklyn and I recently caught a new case which if it doesn’t go well for me has me looking at spending up to another 10 years locked up. Brooklyn turned 18 on the 23rd of this month. I am trying to figure out how I can get in touch with her so I can restart trying to create some kind of relationship with her. If I am successful in my attempts to get in touch with her then where I’m gonna be at in 10 years could be completely different than where I will be if I am not able to start rebuilding our relationship together.