Wunderlust

So today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’ve been working towards it for a minute now but I’ve been dragging my feet. It’s not that I don’t want to change because I absolutely do but I guess I’ll be honest and tell you that I’m more then a little bit scared. I don’t know how to be anything but this, it’s going to be a constant work in progress in order to get to where I’m trying to go, full of bumps on the road and setbacks. I have a lifetime full of experience when it comes to drug addiction and I’m not a rookie when it comes to sobriety either, I am very aware of what it takes to do this. The key to all of this is the want and desire to change your life, you have to want, 100% in your “soul” to change your life. If you don’t really want to do it, if you’re just doing it to appease someone else then you are never going to be successful. I am absolutely changing for other people, 100%, but it’s not just for them. I am doing this because I am no longer having any fun living the life that I’ve chose to live. It’s become burdensome and exhausting. It’s become extremely unrewarding and the cons have begun to outweigh the pros. I used to be able to weigh the pros and cons and I could justify the life I was living. My life at that time left me with very little reason not to go all the way left. I couldn’t see any light at the end of this tunnel and I had very little hope of it being a possibility. I had given in to my misery and depression and figured I may as well just floor it, all gas and no brakes straight towards the scene of the accident. Just max out and wait for the hammer to fall. But the hammer never fell. And one accident was just followed by the next. I was in an N.A. meeting one time and I asked the dude running it, I asked him, “How do you know when you’ve hit rock bottom?” And he told me, “You stop digging.” That’s the most monumental thing that anybody has ever said to me. I feel like I’m done digging. I have a shit ton of work that needs to be done in order to just get started with all of this and I’m gonna need to take it day by day, maybe even minute by minute just to get started but I gotta start somewhere. Where I’m starting is with the drugs. No more drugs. Please if you have any kind of respect for me then please refrain from asking me for drugs or talking to me about drugs or offering me drugs or anything drug related. I can no longer help you to find drugs or to get high. I am no longer that guy so miss me with that shit. I am still gonna smoke weed but weeds not a drug and so besides weed and maybe an occasional hallucinogenic adventure I want to just try and do the sober thing. I can use the chance to clear my mind and I want to take away the man’s ability to throw me in jail and take away my freedom. I want the chance to meet my daughter and to give her the chance to know her father. I’m not sure if it’s just wishful thinking or if I really can see it but I think there might finally be a light at the end of this tunnel. I’ve been wandering around in the dark for so long that I had stopped looking for it. I haven’t looked for it in years and so I’m not even sure when it may have reappeared. Then I start really thinking about it and I’m not sure if it ever actually left at all, or if maybe I just stopped looking for it. Maybe in my depression and my woe is me attitude I just stopped looking for it. I’d like to believe that there is always gonna be a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is just a tiny one. Regardless, I can definitely see one now, it’s bright growing brighter and I’m not moving towards it so much as being pushed towards it. I don’t know that I ever had a chance to be anything but what I am. I know that they say that life is full of choices and I suppose that’s true up to a certain point, but I kinda feel like my life has been like a funnel, like I fell in a funnel and I’m just waiting to come out the other end. That’s not to take away from the fact that my life is no one’s but mine and I am responsible for everything due to choices made. But there have been some extenuating circumstances from time to time that have had their impact. I am what I am and regardless of how I came to be this way it’s my choice whether to remain this way or to make the changes needed in order to turn over a new leaf and go a different route. But like they say, “Not all those that wander are lost.”