April 23rd, 2023

April 23rd. That’s Brooklyn’s birthday. She’s going to be 18 years old. That’s fucking crazy, I have an almost 18 year old child. It fucks me up that I lost all that time, that I missed so much. I wasn’t there for her first day of school, I didn’t ever help her with her homework. I didn’t teach her how to ride a bike or much of anything at all. When Brooklyn was first born I would hold her in the middle of the night, feeding her and I would tell her all kinds of things. I tried to build her up, telling her that she could do anything, be anything. I would talk to her about everything telling her how much I loved her and how I was always going to be there for her. I told her if she ever needed me, I would be right there. But I wasn’t. All those things I told her, the promises that I made, all bullshit. Lies. Because I wasn’t there when she needed me. I was in fucking prison somewhere, or off getting high. I missed everything. It’s not by choice, if it had been up to me I would have been there. But I made choices that took that option out of the picture. I gave other people the power to make the decision on whether or not I was going to watch my daughter grow up. 14 years ago, give or take, I lived the worst day of my life up to date, getting wasted the day before my daughter was to go with her mother for a month to Texas which was going to cause me to miss her birthday unless I choose to hitchhike to Texas. And so on the last day that I was to have with my daughter for a month and which turned out to be 14 years, instead of hanging out with my daughter and enjoy my time with her by taking her to the park or something, instead I decided that I didn’t want anything at all to do with the feelings accompanying the whole situation and so I got tanked. I drank like a litter of 100 proof peppermint schnapps and ate like 8 Xanax bars and ended up finishing the night in the back of an ambulance after having a heart attack and dying for 3 minutes before being brought back to life and then taken to jail. DHS ended up taking my daughter and placing her in foster care which her mom had to get her out of and I eventually ended up going to prison for the first time. I haven’t seen my daughter since right after her 4th birthday. 14 years. That’s a long ass time. She’s not even the same person that I remember her to be, she’s completely different. I have no idea who she is or what she’s like. No idea. I’ve been waiting for April 23rd, 2023 for a long ass time, 14 years. I’ve thought about that day a thousand different times. I’ve dreamt about it and obsessed over it. I’ve contemplated and dreaded it. There is not a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about Brooklyn, I think about her all the time. I miss her like I miss a part of myself, which is what she is. A huge ass piece of me that has been missing for 14 years which I’ve been waiting impatiently for 14 years to get back. I’m not sure how it’s all gonna go down. I don’t know if she’s mad at me or what exactly she feels towards me at all. I’ve got some explaining to do. I’ve been a deadbeat dad for 14 years. I haven’t done shit for her it’s been her mom supporting her for the last 14 years. This is not by my choice this is because they terminated my parental rights but regardless I haven’t supported her in 14 years so we have a lot of shit to work through. I’m terrified that this day is actually approaching. Although I’ve looked forward to this day I’ve also looked at it with fear. Like what if she doesn’t want anything to do with me? What if she’s pissed at me? What if she hates me? April 23rd.

Published by devilmonkey666

I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes.

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