3. 2. 1. Ka-boom.

I am a conundrum even to myself, maybe especially to myself. I’m a walking oxymoron. Yin and yang all built up into one. The smartest retard you’ll ever meet. The nicest asshole. The most logical lunatic. Insecure and cocky, confidently unsure of myself. I’m my own worst critic, much harder on myself then anyone would ever be able to be on me and having all the information being as how I was there, I am brutal on myself when I fuck up. Being unforgiving of my mistake’s because to be completely honest I absolutely knew better and yet here I still sit. I am a tightly bundled train wreck. A scolding hot mess. I’ve got so many problems that my problems got problems. I am a disaster from virtually every angle. My communication skills are wack. Boundaries, wack. Social skills, wack. I have no idea how to healthily, positively, productively communicate my wants or needs with anybody. I have zero idea how to establish good healthy boundaries with anybody in my life. Nobody. Not friends or family. Not randoms that cross my path nor long lasting riders that have been around forever, they have no boundaries and so consequently everyone walks all over me and I get taken advantage of regularly. I’ve forever been an outcast, the black sheep, socially unacceptable since the day I joined society and so I quickly taught myself how to turn the other cheek, how to detach myself so that I didn’t care what others thought about me and what I was doing. I quickly became hardened to the opinions of the masses, caring very little what was thought about me or said about me and so for as long as I can remember, I’ve always just done what I want. I don’t think that I’ve ever done anything because someone else wanted me to do it, in fact if you want me to do it then it immediately loses all its attraction for me. If I’m told not to do something then you can almost count on me doing it or vise versa. I am an anarchistic. An apathetic nihilist. I am the kid that you’re parents told you not to hang out with and I became the man they warned you not to be like. I dropped out of high school first chance I got. Poorly educated yet highly intelligent I am virtually 100% self-taught. I refused to take a motherfuckers word on it, deciding to instead receive my education from the school of hard knocks. The hard road was the only road I ever saw. I never knew that I had the choice. It seems like all my life I’ve just been headed to the scene of the accident. 900 mph, straight towards the crash. I’m self-destructive as fuck, sabotaging anything in my life that ever looked like it could bring me happiness and contentment. Pissed away opportunity after opportunity. Chased away any kind of love. Subconsciously I do not care for myself much at all, subconsciously believing all the bullshit I was told as a child about being bad and not deserving anything good in my life. Subconsciously I hate myself and refuse to allow myself anything nice, smothering anything positive and pulling it into the abyss.

Published by devilmonkey666

I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes.

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