New Year’s Resolutions

I know exactly what it takes to (for the most part) live a happy, healthy, successful life. First thing you need is motivation, you have to want it and be willing to work for it. The good things in life are very rarely given to you or easy for you to acquire, chances are they will take work so motivation is very important. Next you need to establish and stick to a solid set of boundaries. Boundaries are an extremely important part of live a happy, healthy, successful life. Next, and this may be the most important part, you need to take and make yourself time for self-care. If you are always looking out for other people it’s pretty hard to look out for yourself? With those things you will be able to get as close to happy, healthy and successful as you’re gonna get. And this is why I am miserable, looking at another visit to the joint, where eventually I will probably die. Not on this one but on some other one down the line somewhere. This being because number one; I have absolutely no boundaries. If it wasn’t for the spell check I wouldn’t even know how to spell that shit. I’ve never tried to establish any kind of boundaries, instead choosing to let people do as they may and walk all over me. Self-care would mean self- love and again that’s something I know jackshit about. I don’t love myself, shit I barely like myself most of the time and so being able to practice self-care gonna be as easy as practicing for surgery, or the superbowl. I have the general idea of what self-care involves but have no real idea how to apply it and quite frankly I don’t really have the desire. Like I said I barely even like myself sometimes and I downright hate myself at times, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever managed to love myself. That’s one of the reasons I’m always trying to look out for other people is so that I don’t have to think about what I need and how badly I need it. I’m not about to care about myself at this stage in my life. I’m still to pissed. I still feel stupid which is probably one of the things I hate the most, feeling stupid. Looking stupid don’t bother me, feeling stupid does. And my motivation is hit or miss. If I feel passionate about something I can find motivation for it, but if history says anything then it says that as soon as I get close to reaching a certain level of success, I also reach self-destruction and implode. The reason for this is that there’s something misswired with my brain and subconsciously I don’t want any of those things. Subconsciously I believe all the bullshit that motherfuckers have told me throughout the years, shit like I’m a loser, I’ll never amount to shit, never be happy. I’ve bought into the bullshit that has brought me to this point. I’m not house trained, domesticated, I’m not in any position to make New Year’s resolutions about character aspects, nothing about becoming a better person because to be completely honest I don’t know if I even want that. So my New Year’s resolution is to not lay down and let these motherfuckers take my life away from me, not just let’s them toss me away. No my New Year’s resolution for this year is to fight these motherfuckers and bash them in the fucking mouth with it. Then once I do that, sue the fuck out of them. Get them to finance the beginning of my revolution.

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