Problems got problems

I like to tell people that I’ve got so many problems that my problems got problems. This isn’t really a joke. As a person I’m a straight fucking mess. I have no boundaries at all and have no idea how to even begin creating them, let alone maintaining them. I hate the word no, both saying it and having it said to me, and so I am constantly putting myself in a bind because I don’t just tell people no and to fuck off. I get something out of being able to help people out and hook people up, it does something for me internally although what that is I have no idea. While I don’t really give a fuck what people think about me and the shit that I do, I do still want to be liked and to make people happy. I suck at communication. I have no idea how to express myself in a positive manner, no clue how to convey what it is that I want or need out of someone or something. While I like to think or myself as an exceptionally good listener, allowing people to tell me all kinds of deep ass shit, when it becomes my turn to share I close up tight. Even if I did know how to express myself I wouldn’t do it because truth be told I don’t trust any of you, not one. My trust issues are deep seated, probably steming from my dad and the beatings I received from him. All things considered, my father loved me probably more then anyone has or ever will, excluding my mom. There were times as a child that I didn’t believe this but hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I have no doubt. Crazy as it sounds 80% of the abuse stemmed from this love and his desire to make me the best possible version of me, at least as he saw it. The other 20% came from him being insane. It came from him not being able to get over his fucked up childhood and Vietnam, both of which caused him to become an extremely violent person. Regardless of why, the abuse caused me to trust nobody. I mean if the person who loves you more then anyone can do the things he did to me, then anyone can do them. It’s one of the reasons I don’t like to be touched or to be physically close to people. I’ve been socially distancing myself from people way before it became a thing. Next, I have no idea what self care or self love is. They say you need to love yourself, and I agree with this, but I wouldn’t know where to start. While I think I’m pretty good at loving and caring for others, finding both things enjoyable and rewarding, I can’t do it for myself. I don’t love myself, I borderline hate myself and I don’t care for myself much at all. I refuse to forgive myself for certain things that have gone on in my life which is one of the things I would need to do in order to love myself but I have no hope for a future. I used to have hopes for the future but one by one they were stolen from me leaving my hope well bone dry. These things keep me stuck. They make a happily ever after virtually impossible mainly because I refuse to allow it. I’m a long ass ways away from being anything close to ok. I’ve been in active addiction for pretty much as long as I can remember. There have been blocks of sobriety, mainly when I’m locked up but also when I’ve had my children in my life, but I’ve been faded for the most part. I’m a self-medicater. I run from my feelings and emotions, embracing only anger. In fact I am not even sure how to identify what it is that I’m actually feeling. I’m not boy-friend material, husband or father material either for that matter. I am emotionally unattainable. A lost cause. I’m on a fast ride to nowhere, nowhere to be and all the time in the world to get there. I need to give a fuck about something but I’m struggling to figure out what. I crave the flash, a restart. I wish I would catch amnesia. I wish I had a time machine. I’d go back to the womb and hang myself with the umbilical cord.

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