Career Criminal

I went to court one time and asked the judge to not send me to prison, to instead give me a chance and the tools needed in order to rehabilitate myself and end this vicious cycle. She told me no. Told me that I was a career criminal and basically said that I was unrehabilitatable. The stupid bitch even told me, “Mr. Sterner, we don’t want you to think that we are just throwing you away.” Ha. Oh yeah? Cause it looks like that’s exactly what the fuck you are doing. The last time I went to prison I again asked the judge to have mercy on me and give me a second chance. I asked him to give me felony probation and have me do drug court, allowing me a chance to utilize the resources drug court offered and change my life around. Again I was denied, being told by this asshole that with my prior felonies he wasn’t even allowed to give me probation, he said the only thing he could do was send me to prison again cause I wasn’t eligible for probation. That’s a lie. I know a bunch of people who have gotten probation after having more felonies then I do. In the joint they give you numbers which indicate all kinds of aspects of who you are. The give you a drug number, a psyc number, a sex number, an intelligence number. The department of corrections categorizes every aspect of you once you catch your number and the one they pay most attention to is your recidivism number. I’m a 4D. The numbers go from 1 to 4 and the letters A to D. 4D is the worst you can get. It basically says that you can’t be rehabilitated, that you’re a lost cause. DOC thinks that there is only one thing that might be able to fix you and that’s behavior modification. Brainwashing. I think that they take all your other numbers and add them together and that’s where they get the 4D. My drug addictions, prior crimes, and my IQ all added together to determine that I’m hit. Can’t be fixed. Can’t be rehabilitated. Can’t teach this old dog new tricks. Destined to constantly fuck up and return to prison. Basically guaranteed to die in a prison cell. They look at my IQ and they think that anything I could have learned, I would have learned a long time ago and so the choices I’m making are not mistakes, they are calculated decisions. They got that part right at least but it’s not that I necessarily want to be this way, it’s just that I’ve spent the last 30 years creating all of this. I’ve bleed for it, suffered through it, invested in it, done time for it. There’s not a day that goes by where someone doesn’t ask me to sell them drugs or comment some felony and more often then not I am game. I was in the halfway house with my phone hooked up for like 5 minutes before I started getting hammered with requests for drugs. I had literally just turned on the service to my phone and just finished a post talking about how I just got out of the joint for distribution. The life I’ve built in Colorado is that of a career criminal, it’s all gas and no brakes. It’s no fucks given let’s fuck shit up, and for the life of me I can’t figure out how to fix it or change it. I’m locked in to deep. But it’s a relentless lifestyle. It’s a cold one. I can’t honestly tell whether people actually like me or if they just want what I can do for them. I’ve had a hard time figuring out it a bitch is dating me or the drug. I love Colorado more then anywhere I’ve ever been. It’s beautiful. It’s majestic. It’s home. But if I stay in Colorado, I stay this Jason, which wouldn’t be all bad because this Jason is a motherfucking gangster. He’s solid as fuck. But he’s going back to prison, time after time, and he’ll die there. He’ll never know his kids, he’ll never reach his true potential. He’ll never truly be happy. I was in rehab once and they said if you want to change your life you need to change your playground and your playmates. I agree with that for the most part. But no matter where I go, there I’m gonna be, can’t outrun myself. So I really need to change myself, and that’s never gonna happen in Colorado.