But what if…

Do you know how many times I’ve wrote something, be it a message or a post, only to just say fuck that and erase the whole thing? Hundreds. Maybe thousands. My inner feelings pour out of me easily sometimes. I don’t struggle to know how I feel, I’m sensitive as fuck and my analytical mind has no problem sorting through all the madness. But putting it out there strips me of my armor and leaves me vulnerable to being hurt, so at the very last moment, right before I press send, my protector emerges and deletes the whole thing. Saving me from the embarrassment or the pain of whatever it was I was trying to put out there. Protecting me from anything that might further scar my already damaged soul. Protecting my ego and self-image because let’s face it, those things drive me sometimes. But what if my fear of rejection and humiliation aren’t just “protecting” me, what if they are really hindering me from having all that my life can be? Maybe that message I deleted would have been received favorably and instead of bringing me embarrassment it would have brought me happiness? What if whatever it is that I’m missing in my life was right behind one of those deleted writings? Hard to say not knowing.

Published by devilmonkey666

I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes.

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