Amnesia

I sometimes wish that that padlock had killed me instead of splitting my dome and giving me some brain damage. I mean since I have to take some brain damage the least it could have done was give me amnesia. Just wipe that shit clean, erase everything and let me get a legit restart. I’m not sure how amnesia works but I don’t think you would have to relearn how to walk or talk. I feel like you’d be the same except you would remember shit. You wouldn’t know anybody, everyone would be a complete stranger. You wouldn’t remember all the situations that caused you to carry around all the baggage that you do. Wouldn’t have the hang-ups or issues. The subconscious voice in my head would finally be silenced, no longer whispering to me what a fuck-up I am and how I don’t deserve to have anything nice. Sure it would be rough to start because I’m sure it’s probably an empty kind of feeling but I’d waste no time filling up all that empty space. My nihilism would probably vanish along with my memories, possibly taking my apathy with it. At least for a minute. Long enough for me to realize once again that people as a majority, suck. That kindness and compassion are on the endangered list in serious danger of being eliminated completely. That most people only care about themselves and can’t be bothered with the struggles of others, choosing to ignore and walk away from situations that don’t benefit them. But eventually I’d figure it out again and I’d grow distant from a society that I’ve hated for as long as I can remember. A society that is particularly responsible for creating the trainwreck I currently am. I’m not blaming or pointing fingers I’m just making an observation. I am well aware of who’s fault it is that I am the way I am. It’s God’s. Kidding, I don’t believe in a God, at least not like they want me to. No I know that it’s my fault that I am the way I am. A long list of situations combined with decisions I made are what’s led me to where I’m currently at. It’s not that I’m ashamed or embarrassed, I have no regrets. If I had a time machine I wouldn’t got back and make choices differently, if I had a time machine I’d go back to the womb and wrap the cord around my neck. Ok maybe that’s a little extreme. If I had a time machine and could go back in time I wouldn’t go back to change me, I’d go back to change you. I’m at a point in my life where I’m kind of just over the human race. With age comes wisdom and with wisdom comes the undeniable fact that people for the most part are just rotten, self-absorbed, fake, sheep. More concerned with what people are going to think about them and the things that they do then they are with the actual things that they do. Seems to me that everybody is so worried about looking cool and being popular that they don’t even know who they actually are as a person. You got people who are just carbon copies. Cookie cutter people living cookie cutter lives and even the freaks that are like, “I’m not like them I’m an original.” But they are just carbon copies of the freaks next to them. Cookie cutter outcasts. I’m a conundrum in almost everything I do because I am(sometimes) a very sociable person, enjoying the company and togetherness of others, yet at the very same time being antisocial and holding most people in contempt. I both want to save and destroy the world and everyone in it. I want to be like but I could care less whether you actually like me or not. One lesson that I’ve learned along the road is that everybody falls off. The only person you are ever going to truly be able to trust is you, and sometimes you can’t even trust that. I was raised with the thought that your word was your bound, that you were only as good as your word, but it seems like I was in the minority with that. Most people’s word don’t mean shit. A person will look you straight in the eyes and feed you some pretty hefty promises never once intending to follow though. Just telling you what they think you need to hear in order to do whatever it is that they want you to do. And after not following though they feel nothing. No shame. No disappointment. No nothing. It’s like they never said shit. And when you get pissed about it they somehow try to turn it around on you like it’s you that’s the asshole for expecting anything from them at all. It sometimes feels to me like people have the delusion that they are owed something, and maybe some people are. But not most of you. Most of you aren’t owed shit and in fact it’s you that’s running up the debt, that it’s you that actually owe something. But that debt will forever go unpaid because most likely you aren’t even aware of a debt being owed and if you are you probably don’t give a fuck about it, because it’s all about you. The struggles and misery of others just something for you to talk about on social media and make fun of with your lame ass memes. Yeah amnesia would be nice but it wouldn’t last. You’d quickly relearn all the negative shit while forgetting all the beauty and magic that made the misery worth it. I have no idea what I’m talking about. I just know that most of y’all suck at life and I could just as easily do without you. So much so in fact that running away to the wilderness and becoming a hermit looks better and better everyday.

Published by devilmonkey666

I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes.

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