No Tomorrow

I’ve lost 2 friends to suicide over the last month. One of them was a close friend since childhood, the other one I’d known for 20 years so both I’d consider life-long. Super nice people who at least from where I was sitting, seemed to be doing good, seemed to be living their best lives. One of them had kids but both of them had families that they left behind, families torn apart and damaged, possibly even destroyed. Definitely changed. It just sucks. I’m sad as fuck. Suicide sucks. It’s by far the most selfish thing a person can ever do, leaving the people who loved and cared about you stuck here full of sadness and questions. Questions like, what could I have done? What didn’t I do? Why couldn’t I see this coming? How could I have helped? All questions with no answers. I myself suffer from depression. I haven’t had the easiest life, things very rarely go my way, my life is full of disappointment and loss. It has not been fair. I actually think about killing myself a lot more then I should. When I’m consumed by my depression I definitely tell people I want to kill myself a lot more then I should. I understand where my friends were coming from, I understand why they did it. I can’t argue that this place sucks. Can’t deny that life’s not fair and that most people are shit. I know the fear that things will never get better, that in fact things will most likely get worse. I understand feeling like everything, like everybody would be better off if I was just not here. Life is pain, I understand wanting to get away from that. But I also understand what me killing myself would do to those that love me and who I in turn love. I realize what my death would do. Sure I’d be free and clear, no more pain and suffering for me, no more misery. I’d finally be ok but my mom wouldn’t. My girl wouldn’t. My kids wouldn’t. So it’s like this, me or them. Either I’m miserable or they are. I suffer or they do. Is it fucked up that I’m angry? Is it wrong that I’m jealous?