Overstaying your welcome

So after my car accident and the losing of my job and a place to stay, all within a 4 day period, I decided to tuck tail and bounce back to Colorado. My justification was that I would be able to get a new whip faster and have a place to stay and that I would return to Oregon after I get back on my feet. I think that was 2 months ago. Time has a way of getting confusing when you are pissing your life away, a month seems life a week and sometimes days last for weeks. Anyways, I’m a realist if nothing else and distance has a way of bringing things more into focus so I know now that my justification is just an excuse. Allowing me the ability to self destruct in a more comfortable environment, probably faster then I would have as a car-less, homeless street kid up in Oregon. Fact is I can’t stay here without being the Jason that I myself created in this beautiful, magical little area of the rockie mountains. Colorado helped me to build the Jason I choose to build. The environment, the people, the situations, they can only be had here, they can only be experienced in the time and place that they did. Had I gone right instead of left I would be nothing like the man I currently am. But I went the way I went and I am the man I am and it is well past time for me to be moving along. I could try and maintain here. Get a job. Get a little routine and try and keep my head down, out of the mix. Just tell anyone who asks me for drugs to fuck off and be an upstanding, law-abiding, productive member of this joke of a society. Ignore my natural inclinations and drink the kool-aid. Buckle down. Obey. Yeah fuck that. That’s just not my style. I’m not a conform kind of guy. I’m not a quitter. And so I have a very difficult time not doing exactly what I want to do. When I’m in Colorado I want to do bad guy stuff. That is a big reason that I’ve been to prison 3 times and county so many times that I couldn’t tell you the number anymore. And that is the reason I need to leave. While I can do time no problem, I don’t like being locked up. I don’t like being told what to do and when I’m on the streets, I do what I want, but in the joint I’ve got cops telling me what to do, or trying at least and as a gang member I got shot callers attempting to do the same. My ability to help my people is basically gone, reducing it to some lame emotional support that is weak and ineffective, leaving the people I care about most vulnerable to countless situations that I can’t do anything about. It’s gotten to where I’ll get sent to prison and since I’m institutionalized as fuck and don’t really mind being locked up, it’s not me who ends up doing time, it’s the people who love me who end up doing the time. People like my mom, my girl, my kids. That shit sucks and it fucks me up something fierce so I need to make a change. Since I can’t seem to figure out how to change who I am, I need to change where I am. I know that regardless of where I go, I am not going to be able to run away from myself, and that it’s me who is causing these problems in my life, I feel like being somewhere where nobody knows who I am allows me the possibility to be whoever I want to be. I won’t be boxed into any one thing like I feel like I am in Colorado and if nothing else that should help me to stay out from behind the walls. Colorado is a beautiful, magical, wonderful place, full of amazing people and awesome adventure. It is by far the best place a person could hope to grow up in, especially Summit County. It was like growing up inside of a postcard, like growing up in a dream. I will always love it here. But given enough time dreams, even the most beautiful, can turn into nightmares. Best not to overstay your welcome.

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