At a loss

I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I’m super depressed on the inside and completely antisocial on the outside. I hold most people in contempt, only rarely finding someone that I actually like or want to have anything to do with. Even the people I like aren’t doing it for me anymore and I find myself avoiding interaction and choosing to be alone rather then waste the energy it takes to maintain a relationship. I have no dreams, zero goals. I don’t look forward to tomorrow. I have no light at the end of my tunnel. All my dreams are dead, my goals are those of someone else. I crave the flash, eagerly awaiting its arrival, growing more impatient daily. I fantasies about my death and were it not for my mom I would have killed myself years ago. But I’m a coward and I lack the balls to pull the trigger so I sit here, miserable, lonely, alone. I miss my children horribly, I miss the person that I was when I had them in my life. At least I think I do. I’m not even sure if that person was real anymore, he may have just been a dream. Possibly a nightmare. My children are both the best thing and the worst thing that have ever happened to me in my life. Had I never had kids I wouldn’t know what I was missing. Had my daughters never filled my heart with love, I wouldn’t feel it’s loss as strongly as I do. But I do.