Damn it feels good to be a gangster

And it does. It’s like that movie Goodfellas in the beginning when the dude say, “As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster”. I am not sure if I was just born this way because both of my parents besides a little recreational drug use, were and are very law abiding citizens. In fact my father would beat my ass any time that I slipped and let him catch me doing some shit. That fool was 100%, do the right thing, follow the laws and rules type shit. He beat that whole, follow the rules, do what I say mentality right out of me. He was aiming for into me. Sometimes you don’t hit what your shooting at. Sometimes you miss. While that motherfucker never missed with his punches, he would ever once in a while miss with the messages he was throwing at me. I have a thick skin, a battered armored coating. It takes a lot to really get to me. I think it’s cause I don’t care. I’m lost. It feels like just waiting for the end. I have two beautiful daughters who I’m a deadbeat father to, not by choice. I want very much to have my children in my life. In fact I need it. Without it I’m this hopeless, fuck the world, burn that motherfucker to the ground and pave it, type Jason. He’s cool. He’s extremely dangerous and in my opinion a lot of fun to be. He loves for sure but he’d just as soon watch it burn. He’s the fast track. I love him but I hate him. He’ll be the one that sets it all off. The other Jason evolved from the scary ass arrival of my second daughter, Hayden. Hayden woke me up to a different kind of life. Like a build your credit, maintain regular, legal, employment, go through the channels and get your fucking daughter back type mentality. I’m not gonna throw much dirt here but the way that went down and continues to go down is crazy as fuck and low rent as a motherfucker. That last part was me but before I wander, part of me is tired and desperately needs a change. That part wants more then anything for a different kind of life, a different way of thinking. A Jason’s version of the American Dream. I have shared joint custody of my daughter, court ordered already so this bitch can’t just steal my child. There are avenue that can be explored but bottom line there are laws and rules that y’all and your crazy ass society created and agree to follow, that project me as a father and so the real bottom line is court. I need to locate her legitly and take her ass to court. Thing about that is if I want to do all that them I’m gonna have to be legit. I need to be healthy (which means regularly be able to pass a UA on random, and I need to be a positive addition to their lives, not some kind of trauma that they will have to deal with and which will scar them. The last thing I want is anything bad for my children, I just want them to be happy, healthy and loved. Period. Anything else is unacceptable. So for those of you out there that are saying, “Well that’s a no brainer.” Fuck you. You walk in my shoes before to tell me how it feels. I’m not telling you for to feel about the price of shit that you are am I? No I’m not. I’m talking about the price of shit that I am, one which I’ll have you know, I know very well. Better then any of you fucks I promise you that. So I’m torn. Which route do I take? Is there a route that I haven’t foreseen? Cause this is where I sit, in 41 almost 42 years of living, I’ve died probably 6 times. With each death a rebirth of forms. I’m still Jason but I’m not, sometimes not even close. But the one thing I’m pretty sure of is that each time I lose a part of me. Sure, it’s mostly filled with new things but it leaves me feeling hollow and used up. It’s probably slowly killing me but I’m 100% sure that it’s driving me insane. And I have less to give towards anything positive at all because the dark has become so oppressive at times that I’m fill with nothing but fuck it. Save the world or Destroy it? Choices, choices.