I haven’t wrote on here in a minute. I’m not sure why really. I mean I know but it’s retarded so whatever. I’m a pretty emotional guy even though I do a good job of bottling it up or pushing it under the rug so I just come off looking like an asshole instead of some pussy. Don’t get me wrong, real men cry, I’m not saying that. It’s just, well, I don’t trust you, not even a little. I know that people have hidden agendas and that most people don’t really give a shit about you, they are just interested in what you can do for them. I know very well that there is probably only one person you can count on and that’s you. Shit sometimes you can’t even count on them. Nothing is for certain. Nothing except this moment right now. Yesterday was a lie and tomorrow may never come so really all you got is this. This moment. This experience. So instead of tripping about some shit that happened or something that maybe never will, I need to start living in this moment like there won’t be another cause who fucking knows? Maybe there won’t. I need to learn to let go. I’m already pretty good at walking away but I suck at letting go which has me always coming back. I’m a smart dude, I know when things aren’t good for me, when people aren’t good for me. It’s just, I like broken things, not because I like or want to fix them or put them back together. No I just like them because they feel like home. I’m broken as fuck. I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship. I don’t know how to be loved. I don’t love myself, I have a hard time even liking myself. Shit, I borderline hate myself. I feel like I’m decent at loving people. I mean, I try to be. I want to be. And I want to be loved. But I’m broken as fuck and I won’t allow it. I mean, if I can’t even love myself why the fuck should anybody else. I know I should take it easier on myself but I probably won’t. I’m not sure if I even know how. I’m so internally high strung that I gave myself ulcers at the age of 8. Stress is one thing I know really well. Worry has been my companion longer then any of my friends. As a child it was laced with fear but I’ve long since shed the fear aspect, or I’ve at least mutated it into something else, and now it’s more of a doom and gloom type of thing. Just waiting for the ax to fall, which inevitably makes the ax fall. I’d like to get a restart. Can I get a Mulligan? A do over? I may have taken a wrong turn somewhere back around 1980 maybe ’81 or maybe it’s all just been one big wrong turn. Unfortunately I’ve learned that you can’t go back. There is no restart button. This course doesn’t allow Mulligans, you just gotta play through. So I’m stuck. At least until the flash. It’s true that you reap what you sow. This is nobodies fault but my own so I can’t point fingers, I can’t escape the blame. I just gotta live with it, deal with it, because like I said you can’t go back. Live with it? Deal with it? I’m not sure if I’ve ever done either. I’m not sure if I’ve ever even lived or if I’ve just been waiting to die. How does one get amnesia? Is it something that can be induced? Is that a thing? I wish I had amnesia.

Published by devilmonkey666

I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes.

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