Stuck in a rut?

Write something. Anything. Get out of your head. Stop doing whatever it is that I’m doing. Change the frequency, shift the vibration. As my life spins faster and more out of control, I notice the little things more frequently and I think about the illusion of time. Sometimes it feels like its passing so fast, like I’m missing so much, other times it couldn’t go fast enough. Laughable really given the record player loop life truly is. All that’s happening matters nothing compared to what could be when its actually the what could be that has no meaning. Dwelling over lost time and missed opportunity while time and opportunities drift away with the wind. I have no idea what I’m talking about and even less idea what I’m doing. I am sure I’m not doing anything as well as I could be, that I am sure of. I’m suffering from a lack of hope currently and I’m overflowing with I dont give a fuck. A big part of me wants to floor it. Just gas into the wall, 120mph, all gas, no brakes. Inevitably, people will change. But as Jason slowly dies in front of the eyes of whatever I’m becoming, I can’t help but wonder. Will it actually be ok? Do I want it to be? Will I eventually figure it out? Is there actually anything one can truly find out that they dont already instinctively know? I am tripping about the whole thing with my mom. My life, soap opera that it is, while entertaining and exciting has become cumbersome and dreadful. I crave stability and structure for one of the first times, yet continue down a path that is wrought with chaos and destruction. I have all the answers yet no motivation to apply them. I’m unsteady as fuck, frantic and jerky. Full of confidence yet drowning in my self-doubt. I’m full of angst. Or maybe it’s just shit that I’m full of. Sometimes I fantasize about the flash, impatient for a restart.

Published by devilmonkey666

I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes.

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