It’s crazy how real my delusions can be sometimes, no pun intended. They feel so real that it can sometimes twist up my mind, almost allowing me to believe them completely and just go all of the way left, but not quite. The intellectual part of mind, my genius IQ, those are what save me. There’s a part of my brain that just won’t stop. Gathering, contemplating, analyzing, computing. It’s probably what makes my anxiety so bad, it’s probably the reason I had ulcers at like 10 years old. Maybe. Could’ve been the beatings too. Shinnys…..
I get lost some times in my own head, I’m not sure if I ever fully finish something I’m talking about, always wandering off to at least 4 or 5 different conversation topics, never finishing one. But I’ll do my best to follow through on this one. So my delusions, there are some days that are worse then others but sometimes I just feel crazy as fuck. I’ll see signs and have super weird coincidental shit will happen, making my delusions seem more real. Like what if they aren’t delusions. What it they are like sixth sense dreams, just glimpses of a future possibilty should one choose. Or maybe not even that. Maybe a glimpse of my destiny, of days yet to come. I’m sure it’s just me. I invent these situations either in my mind or through misinterpretation of things said or heated, shaping it to fit my needs. But God damn if it don’t feel real as fuck. Close and real. That’s how they feel. And the mania is on an ebb and flow type pattern which sucks because if I’m gonna have it I want it all, this here you go, psych, no you don’t really get it shit is for the birds. All or nothing. Gas or brakes, there can be only one. This is possibly the first time that I’ve suffered from mania. I like to prosper from not get fucked by it. But at least with a full dose of mania, I’m able to, I don’t know, accept the whole situation a lot better. Just ride a wave right through it. But no, instead I get anxiety and insomnia.