I understand that everything is just a matter of choices. Go this way, all these roads open, yet others are closed. It all just boils down to what did you choose to do? So I understand the concept of choice. But what if the universe is just peppering your life with a certain kind of stimulation, basically funneling your choices, and shaping your character. Your inner you, all the baggage and hang-ups. The bullshit self image, given to me by my old man, by teachers and the pigs I’d interact with. All telling me some shit that they believed, not me. I don’t believe that shit. Or do I? Cause sure the fuck as those assholes told me I would grow up to be in and out of prison, a career criminal, a drug addict. A loser. Sure enough that’s what I’ve done. So even though I don’t really believe that I’m a piece of shit, or that I’m a loser. And I don’t believe for even a second that I’m a lost cause. To the contrary, I think I’m primed for change and given the right environment and correct handling, is absolutely within the realm of possibility for me to retire the career criminal thing and try to just live a somewhat normal kind of life. Ask anyone else, yeah, they’re convinced of my worthlessness, convinced that I’m a lost cause, not worth even an attempted. Which is crazy to me. Because who the fuck are you? If you know me, like legitly know me, then you know that I’m very capable of achieving that goal if I only so choose it. I’m not lacking in ability or potential. I’ve got potential for days. And to be completely honest, I’m not lacking in desire to change or the fortitude to follow through. It’s just try as I might, I can’t seem to get away from who it is I am. Can’t escape the way I think or the knee jerk things that I do without even thinking about them. I can’t figure out how to change the antisocial tendencies and mindset that I have. I mean, how does a pirate king stop being a pirate? And you can laugh all you want, or shake your head in confusion or disgust, I am definitely a pirate. So how do I change that? And why would I want to do that? I mean, pirates are cool. Why wouldn’t I want to be a pirate. I mean not a lot of people can legitly call themselves a pirate. Let alone a pirate king. I’m like pirate royalty, which has to be rare, so it brings me back to my question, Was there every really a choice to go this route or was I just funneled here, was I herded here? I feel like the things that have happened to me throughout my lifetime have shaped me into the man I am. I mean, I know I could of went the other way. Nobody forced me to do anything I wasn’t already willing to do. Conscious decisions, all of them. I’m not trying to say I’m not responsible for myself and my choices, there’s no one to blame but me. But what if I don’t own the blame here either. What if there is no blame it’s just the way that it is and things will be as they be. Maybe none of us are broken like we’ve been taught to think we are. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with us at all. Maybe we were made this way. Made for this shit. Does the lion have to explain himself to the gazelle?
Published by devilmonkey666
I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes. View more posts