Battle Lust

My time management is trash. I can’t seem to pull it together. It’s almost like I’m stuck in molasses, like I’m living life in slow motion at times. I make plans and I truly do intend to stick to the plan but as things happen shit changes and the ETA steadily drifts further from its first estimation. Even before I begin to be late I got people sweating me about how long shit is taking and as the chaos swirls around and time almost ceases to exist, casually ticking away, I never forget about the original ETA and so I become more and more stressed. My life has been full of stress and anxiety lately. It has been on super shakey ground from the moment I left the halfway house, shit before I left the halfway house. I’m having a moment. I have absolutely zero idea what the fuck I’m doing. And actually, zero fucking idea what it is i want to do. It’s like a comic book battle between nemesises where for the most part, the super hero fights a super villain that is basically his mirror image. His exact opposite. My super hero wants peace. He wants to just be able to chill and be ok. He wants excitement and adventure absolutely, but he really just wants to kick back and enjoy what ever it is that’s left of his ride. All that fuck the world, i don’t even care, reckless behavior and the need to rush towards the flash, well it’s just a little much. I’m kinda at a spot where I really want something to give a fuck about. Something to invest my many talents and skills in. Something to strive towards. My super villain is the same as he ever is, hes intriguing and exciting for sure. But hes dangerous and reckless. He’s numb and hopeless. He sees no light at the end of a tunnel and so he is filled with an empty feeling that screams for something to fill the void. Something to stop the pain. And being as he’s a super villain he immediately starts to fill it with all the wrong things. In most comics the super hero is a lock to win but this comic book is written by yours truly and therefore anything is in. Everything is a possibility. And this battle is almost definitely to the death. They’ve already had to many battles and so this most surely is the grand finale. Something’s got to give. And so we wait as the combatants approach and prepare. And this is why my time management is so fucked. Because I am lost mentally in some imaginary battle between two possibilities. I have been noticing that I’ve been disassociating. I will get lost in a…
In something. And then I just check out. Staring blankly into nothingness for any amount of time. When i try to recall what it was i was thinking about, i honestly couldn’t tell you what it was. I think that it’s nothing. That I’m not thinking of anything what so ever. Burning time. Spinning my wheels. Waiting for something maybe but what? Or maybe everyone has always been right and I’m just crazy. Maybe I’ve finally just snapped. Maybe I’m already locked up in some padded room. Naked, eating bugs and drawing self portraits on the wall with my blood.

One thought on “Battle Lust

  1. Being a Beast coincides with chaos. And just by fortitude and resilience your beast mode is ever present and to be embraced. I commend you, for being you. And for having the balls to be that beast Jason Sterner – Always. Me

    Liked by 1 person

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