Changes

It never fails to amaze me exactly how fast it takes for a person to completely flip script on you. One minute being absolutely ok with the person that you are and the next, being repulsed by you, criticizing and second guessing everything you say or do. It’s insane how people can completely forget all on the things that you’ve done for them, things that at least to me meant something, just gather all of them up and delete them as if they had never happened. Ignore them is probably more like it. Regardless, the quickness with which it takes for a person to go from team Jason, to straight fuck that dude, is ridiculous. I may not have a lot of redeeming qualities but one I do posses is loyalty. I’m a loyal motherfucker. I’ll ride for a long ass time with you doing some dumbass shit if I value the companionship. It takes a lot to knock me off. And I mean a lot. I’ve done a lot of shit for people that didn’t deserve for me to do a thing. Sacrificed an enormous amount for people who couldn’t give a fuck. People who sought me out, who pulled me. Fully knowing exactly who I am as a person, as I’ve never even attempted to hide it, and not only being ok with it, supposedly fell in love with it. Believing at that moment at least that I’m not completely just a worthless pile of shit. That I’m worth the time it takes, at least, in order to develope a relationship with me. And then all of a sudden, I’m not. All of a sudden, I’m a lying piece of shit, who must have tricked you into some shit. Someone who can’t be trusted with a thing and is in fact selfishly out to fuck you over. Suddenly the things I do and the lifestyle I lead, become embarrassing and unappealing to you. It’s like you woke up from the dream you were in to find yourself laying next to me and you trip. Immediately trying to distance yourself from my ugliness before anyone even noticed I was there. And I retardedly continue to allow these bitches into my life because I’m stupid and y’all are pretty. Knowing myself, full well that y’all just want to slum it. You just want to get high. Or maybe you want to piss off someone, probably not this though because I always remain a secret in the relationships I’m in for the most part, not wanting my reputation or the image of us together to cause anybody any problems, I agree to try and be low key, when there is nothing about me low-key whatsoever. And I know that if someone is embarrassed to be seen with you, to be associated with you, that it says something as to your value with that person, it also says something to their social programming, so I continuously put myself recklessly into these situations, hoping that I’ve not been duped again and indeed found someone who was real. Jokes on me. People change, I mean not me, apparently I’m stuck, but people do change. Situations change, things change. Unfortunately, and yet beautifully at the same time, everything is flexible. Everything. Even me. So while things can always remain the same, given the correct direction, they don’t have to, and chances are, won’t. Crazily enough, with the right perception, the correct mindset, things can be anyway that you want them to be. Anyway. So things that I did for you, sacrifices that I made, all disappear in a blink, and all that remains is what I could do. The threat that is my image much more worrisome to you then ever before we drift apart until I’m not even sure who you are anymore, or if you were ever even really there in the first place. The memories I have of you, of us, tarnished with doubt. The memories you have of me, ugly and regretful. I try to live life regret free but I sometimes regret not wrapping the umbilical cord around my neck in the birth canal on the way out. Probably would of saved us all a lot of time.

Published by devilmonkey666

I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes.

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