Unfortunately, I don’t have a scapegoat. I don’t have a one armed man or a grassy knoll. I have no one to blame but me. It would be nice to pass the buck, to blame it on this or that. It would be lovely to be able to point at something or someone and pass all the responsibility that I own onto them or that. Washing my hands of all the ugly things that come with that responsibility, knowing that I’m good, it wasn’t my fault. But I can’t and even if I could, I wouldn’t. I have no problem accepting my roles in certain things. Seeing clearly how I had played a part or had been an influencer in certain situations which adversely affected the lives of people throughout my lifetime. I am absolutely not a role model, definitely not someone you would want to emulate. People should not want to be like me or be me for that matter. It’s not all puppy dogs and rainbows over here like I make it seem. This route has not been an easy one. I never once wanted anyone to think like me or act like me. Maybe I wanted them to listen and occasionally, yes, I absolutely wanted them to follow, but I never wanted anybody to be anything like me, I wanted them to be better. I knew/know that they can be much greater then I could ever hope to be, having lost my purity, my beauty, a long ass time ago. I’ve never ran and hid from who I am, I never ducked nor dodged when it came time to ante up. Always puting myself out there with my “mistakes”, putting myself on blast, highlighting the fuck ups. This way you can’t do it. There is nothing you can do, that I have not already done to myself. I am this way for all kinds of different reasons but the number one reason, is me right here. I’m the problem. I’m the one. I think I like to beat myself up, shit at least I’m not gonna call the cops. It’s like I need blame, like I require the baggage which makes no sense but it’s how I feel. I’m all kinds of fucked up, smartest retard that you’re ever going to meet. I am not trying to be conceited or to sing my praise but I am highly intelligent, like genius type shit, not even kidding. So I am super analytical in the way which my mind works. I absolutely am aware of the situations that I find myself in and the situations that are surrounding me. I go over risk vs reward, consequences and reactions. Probability of success. Odds against. All that shit. I am always pretty observant, paying a lot closer attention to things then I sometimes appear to be paying and so I have never really and truly been caught off guard, not fully at least. These were all conscious decisions. Choices that I made. It was never like oh shit I didn’t see that coming. I saw it coming. All of it. I just ran towards it instead of away from it. Embraced it instead of hiding from it. I love my demons I don’t fear them. We get along just fine. We co-exist quite nicely. And so I invite them in, offer them shelter and acceptance. I offer them love. And food. I feed them. They eat a lot. At least I’m never alone. It sucks to be alone.
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