The book

So I’m gonna attempt to write a book. I feel like I have a pretty legitimate idea for a book that could possibly make me some money. I’m not sure how all of this is gonna play out because I don’t know how exactly to go about it, but I feel like that will all figure itself out when we get closer to that point. Right now it’s just write the book. So I googled how many words it takes to make a big book and I’m gonna need about 60,000 words. 60,000 fucking words. That’s a lot of words. And that’s for a somewhat short novel like in the 120 page range, so not very big at all. But it sure seems like a lot. It will definitely keep me busy. Says that it will take 120 hours to write 60,000 words and I’m probably slower then whoever they measured to get the 120 hour guess from. Probably take me closer to 180 due to the disassociating and all that, maybe more. But I’m kinda excited about it which will help big time cause if I lose interest I’m doomed. As long as I stay interested and I don’t let myself sabotage the whole thing, I think I can get this done. I’m curious to see how I handle all of this. I feel like this could be a defining moment for me depending on how I handle it so I’m interested to see how this plays out. The book idea is on point though, in my own humble opinion, and I feel like given the right circumstances and opportunity, this could really be a pretty big success and could be exactly what I need out of life right now. The key is going to be focus. I need to be able to focus. I need to be able to remain focused and not lose interest. I need to be positive about this situation and not let my tendency to be negative creep in and destroy my chances before I even start. I have the uncanny ability to fuck shit up simply because I fear success. Not that I can’t reach it. No, I know that I can be successful in whatever it is that I choose to do. It’s not that at all. No I fear that once I’ve succeeded I will have to continue to succeed and once I do that then if will highlight the fact that I’ve just been pissing away my life. That I’m actually 100% responsible for everything that’s happened and while I know this to be the truth, I still run from it as much as I can, any chance I get. I am enjoying writing it though. So far. I’m having no problems coming up with ideas or directions in which to take the story. I feel like all in all I will definitely have enough content to write 60,000 words. I’ll probably top that. I’ve already wrote like 5,500 words so far and I’ve only just begun the story. I’m already looking back, thinking I could of added this here or that there, so content shouldn’t be a problem. I feel like it’s gonna be controversial if it ever gets off the floor which is what I’m hoping for. I’m sure that a lot of people will hate it. I’m ok with that. Especially if they read it and hated it. As long as they read it I’m cool. It would be really cool if it just get read. Like by a bunch of people. People who weren’t my friends. Like if they read it I’m sure there would be people that liked it same as those that hated it, it’s that interesting of an idea in my opinion. And so it would be cool to actually see if I am a writer like everyone says, if I have what it takes? Or it I’m better off not quitting my day job. Best part though is probably all the invisible things though, like the excitement to do it and the feelings that brings with it, the butterflies and the fears, the awkward feeling of hope. The real challenge is to not give up on the whole thing, laughing it away as a silly dream, unworthy of the time and energy it will require to get it all done, and so better off abandoned now, before anything is really expanded towards it. Easier to toss it all now. Before it can fail. Cause then I can still leave open the idea that it could be done, that I could do it I just chose not to. Won’t have to face the fact that it sucks if it’s never wrote. The coward’s path is usually the way of least confrontation. It takes a certain amount of courage to put oneself out there to be picked at and poked. To have ones ideas ridiculed and criticized doesn’t sound like much fun but I’ve been preparing for this all my life, having come as close to indifferent as is possible for me to become. So honestly what people think about it? I could care less whether they liked it, loved it, hated it, as long as they read it it. How do you make sure that people read it?

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