I fucking suck at feelings. I am, believe it or not, an extremely emotional person. I’m super sensitive. I feel everything. It’s just that I have absolutely no idea how to deal with them having spent most of my life running from them or burying them with drugs or alcohol. I never learned how to properly deal with my emotions or even how to properly identify them. A lot of the time I don’t even know what it is that I’m feeling, I just know I don’t like it, that I’m uncomfortable with it. And so I ran. And run. Or hide. Regardless, I am a wreck because of this. I’ve become so accustomed to negative thoughts and feelings so much that things that are positive make me uncomfortable. I seem to have tricked myself into believing that I deserve all of the negative things life has heaped onto my lap and that I don’t deserve anything positive. I don’t deserve to be happy, or to be loved. It has something to do with self love. I really believe this. I have no problem loving everyone else. Shit some of my favorite people are prostitutes, crackheads and career criminals, and I love them all. I don’t care about their “mistakes” or their “flaws”, actually I think that’s what draws me to them, and so I have no trouble loving others. But me? Love me? Why would I do that? I borderline hate me. And here lays our problem. How the fuck is someone else supposed to love me when I can’t even love myself? No clue. I’ve been told I need to forgive myself but I can’t. I’ve nothing else. That’s all I got left. If I let go of that then there will be nothing left of the brief glimmer I once had of a beautiful, normal, happy life. And once I let go, will it have even had been real? Or was it ever even real at all. Lol. This shit just got lost as fuck. Wandering around the mess inside my head it got lost and I’m not sure where it was going anymore. I wish that there was a magic answer to fix what’s wrong with me. I wish I could go back in time. But it wouldn’t be to when you would think it would be. No, it would be way before that. To before I was even born. If I could go back in time I’d go back to the womb and choke myself out with the embolical cord. I won’t kill myself because it would destroy people that I love so instead I’m forced to stay here and suffer. But I would have. It’s a cold ass place that I live in. It can be 100° and I’m still cold as fuck.
Published by devilmonkey666
I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes. View more posts