About that time

I’ve had a pretty good time on my vacation to Missouri so far. It’s been great to be with my friends again, I’ve missed them dearly. And their daughter Zoe is fucking rad so I’m stoked I finally got to meet her. I knew shortly after meeting Pizzy that he would always remain a part of my life. We aren’t even really friends, we are family. There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for Pizzy and his family and I’m pretty sure that he feels the same way. So in a time of my life when I’m suffering from what I’m assuming to be some kind of midlife crisis, it has been pretty important that I surround myself with people that I can trust actually love and care for me. It had been a minute since I’d seen my friends, the last time being back when they still lived in Pueblo, before Zoe was born, before I went prison for what was hopefully the last time. Time and distance have a way of fucking up relationships but not ours and so arriving here was almost like coming home. I was immediately comfortable here and have for the most part been able to relax which for me isn’t an easy feat, so this trip has been really good for me. I am a high strung, overthinking, hypercritical kind of person and life has been everything but easy lately so being able to kick back and recharge my “soul” was a blessing I was unaware that I even needed. I’m so damaged that I’ve grown numb to my own needs, not even knowing that I need something until it’s nearly to late. What I’ve discovered here this week is that I need to be able to allow people to help me and that just being around people who actually love me unconditionally with no expectations of me being anything except who and what I actually am is like chicken soup for my tattered soul. It feels amazing to know that while I’m sure they worry about me and I know for a fact they want me to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be, they love me and appreciate me regardless of what I am doing with my life. They have no problem looking beyond the mistakes I’ve made to the person that I actually am, never passing judgements on the dumbass shit I’ve done or the poor choices I’ve made, focusing only on me as a person which allows me to actually see myself as I am instead of as I’m seen by society. That’s really important. It is sometimes nearly impossible to see the real me through all of the bullshit and so I am super hard on myself, being unforgiving of my mistakes and hateful towards who I’ve become. Or who I think I’ve become. I needed this. I guess I have been feeling ugly and unwanted. I’ve been discounting myself to others, giving them everything I have to give yet coming away feeling worthless and unappreciated. I have a tendency to attract the wrong kind of people, selfish, unappreciative users. Takers who wear masks and silently suck the life out of you. And when you finally attempt to fix the situation they turn shit around on you making you feel like it’s you who is fucked up, it’s you that is broken. The lifestyle that I’ve chosen to lead is full of people like this, takers, users. And I have gotten to a point where I can’t even tell the difference anymore. I can’t tell if they are there for me, if they actually like and care for me and genuinely are there for me, or if they are only there for what I can do for them and actually don’t give a fuck about me at all. That is probably the best part of this little vacation, I don’t have any concerns with whether or not in being used. I know exactly how they feel about me and the same goes for them. We’re just family spending family time together and I don’t get enough of that. So this trip has been very healing. I almost don’t want to leave. But I have to. Missouri is ok. It’s kinda hillbilly but there really isn’t a whole lot going on. Oregon is where it’s at. Oregon is the place to be. And even though this does actually feel like home it’s only because Pizzy and Tori feel like home, not Missouri. Oregon is home now and it’s just about time I go home.