Ummmm

My lack of direction has always been an issue throughout my life. It’s not that I’m lazy, cause while I can be lazy given the right circumstances, I am by no means lazy. I work. Regardless of the job, be it hustling or a 9 to 5, I work. So lazy is not the problem. My problem is that I just never really cared enough about the future to ever plan for it, I would rather just live it. I hate plans. I don’t make plans cause plans get fucked up. I just have ideas. And sometimes my ideas are fucked up. And sometimes they get fucked up. But very rarely do they ever have any pattern and so I bounce like a superball with a chunk torn out, all over the place. This is actually the way I like it. It’s probably the only way I know but it’s still the way I like it. The idea of making a plan or heading in one direction makes my skin crawl. Conforming and buying into the whole American dream bullshit. Becoming a productive member of society and making everyone proud yet still being me is a large fucking jump. It’s a jump I’m probably not gonna be able to make regardless of the choices I make in the future because of the simple fact that I don’t give a fuck about whether or not your proud of me. That Kool aid taste like shit and I’m not drinking it. That and the fact that I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. Shit, I’m still not sure if I want to grow up. And the beauty of it is you can’t make me. My mom is cool with it,(as long as I can stay out of prison) she’s proud of me. And so this is where the issue of having no direction can become a problem. For 41 years I’ve been cool with just letting the pieces lay where they fall. I haven’t ever wanted to build anything with them since I lost Brooklyn. In fact I didn’t just leave those pieces. I ran. I don’t know whether it’s cause I’m old or bored but I kinda want to do some shit. Not kinda, I really wanna do some shit. I just don’t know what shit it is I want to do.

Published by devilmonkey666

I'm a hot mess. A 41 year old child who still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. Or even if he wants to grow up for that matter. People say I'm a writer. I'm not so sure. But it is therapeutic and helps me from going all the way left sometimes.

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