I have a couple of tattoos that I’m trying to get. I’ve got one on my stomach, like on the pant line that I just got started by the homie but I was a little faded and fell out before I could get it finished. It’s a severed pigs head with a samurai sword buried in his dome, surrounded by pork chops and bacon. Then I bashed out my tattoo artist and haven’t talked to him since so I kinda need to get it finished before I worry about getting anything else. The tattoo that I really want to get next though is a rotten apple right in the middle of my throat that says “Momma Tried”. I’ve been wanting that tattoo for a hot minute though so if I don’t finish the pig’s head on my stomach first I’m gonna get the rotten apple. I’ve got a lot of tattoos, covering pretty much every part of my body, minus my face. I’ve got tattoos all over my back, tattoos on my legs. I’ve got both arms pretty much sleeved out and tattoos on both sides of my neck. I’ve got my sternum covered along with pieces on my chest and my stomach. My face is the only thing that hasn’t been touched. That’s why another tattoo that I would like to get is “Drink More Water” tattooed right on my face, I’m thinking like right underneath my eye on my cheek/orbital bone. This tattoo is still an idea though because pretty much everyone I know is against me getting this. Another face tattoo that I’m considering is above my eye it would say “Please”, then on my eyelid it would say “Help”, and then underneath my eye it would say “Me”. That way when my eyes are open it would say “Please Me” and when I get knocked out it would say “Please Help Me”. That shit would be funny. I’ve got other ideas, like a toe tag that says “Do not resuscitate￼”, maybe a chip on my shoulder.
April 23rd, 2023
April 23rd. That’s Brooklyn’s birthday. She’s going to be 18 years old. That’s fucking crazy, I have an almost 18 year old child. It fucks me up that I lost all that time, that I missed so much. I wasn’t there for her first day of school, I didn’t ever help her with her homework. I didn’t teach her how to ride a bike or much of anything at all. When Brooklyn was first born I would hold her in the middle of the night, feeding her and I would tell her all kinds of things. I tried to build her up, telling her that she could do anything, be anything. I would talk to her about everything telling her how much I loved her and how I was always going to be there for her. I told her if she ever needed me, I would be right there. But I wasn’t. All those things I told her, the promises that I made, all bullshit. Lies. Because I wasn’t there when she needed me. I was in fucking prison somewhere, or off getting high. I missed everything. It’s not by choice, if it had been up to me I would have been there. But I made choices that took that option out of the picture. I gave other people the power to make the decision on whether or not I was going to watch my daughter grow up. 14 years ago, give or take, I lived the worst day of my life up to date, getting wasted the day before my daughter was to go with her mother for a month to Texas which was going to cause me to miss her birthday unless I choose to hitchhike to Texas. And so on the last day that I was to have with my daughter for a month and which turned out to be 14 years, instead of hanging out with my daughter and enjoy my time with her by taking her to the park or something, instead I decided that I didn’t want anything at all to do with the feelings accompanying the whole situation and so I got tanked. I drank like a litter of 100 proof peppermint schnapps and ate like 8 Xanax bars and ended up finishing the night in the back of an ambulance after having a heart attack and dying for 3 minutes before being brought back to life and then taken to jail. DHS ended up taking my daughter and placing her in foster care which her mom had to get her out of and I eventually ended up going to prison for the first time. I haven’t seen my daughter since right after her 4th birthday. 14 years. That’s a long ass time. She’s not even the same person that I remember her to be, she’s completely different. I have no idea who she is or what she’s like. No idea. I’ve been waiting for April 23rd, 2023 for a long ass time, 14 years. I’ve thought about that day a thousand different times. I’ve dreamt about it and obsessed over it. I’ve contemplated and dreaded it. There is not a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about Brooklyn, I think about her all the time. I miss her like I miss a part of myself, which is what she is. A huge ass piece of me that has been missing for 14 years which I’ve been waiting impatiently for 14 years to get back. I’m not sure how it’s all gonna go down. I don’t know if she’s mad at me or what exactly she feels towards me at all. I’ve got some explaining to do. I’ve been a deadbeat dad for 14 years. I haven’t done shit for her it’s been her mom supporting her for the last 14 years. This is not by my choice this is because they terminated my parental rights but regardless I haven’t supported her in 14 years so we have a lot of shit to work through. I’m terrified that this day is actually approaching. Although I’ve looked forward to this day I’ve also looked at it with fear. Like what if she doesn’t want anything to do with me? What if she’s pissed at me? What if she hates me? April 23rd.
Failure to appear
I am absolutely 100% a flight risk. I’m not for sure on how many times I have missed court but my guess would be that I’m nearing 100. The judge, a couple of missed court dates before this told me that he thought I had about 75. I fucking hate court. It’s been a hate hate relationship since I was 12 years old when I first went to court and they in turn first sent me to jail. Since then it’s just been like motherfucking groundhogs day up in this bitch. I go to court, they send me to jail. There is no passing go and collecting my $200, it’s just straight to jail. There is never any rehabilitation, no probation, no community corrections, it’s just see ya Mr. Sterner, catch you on the flip side. So there’s no mystery to me what is going to happen to me if I go to court, they are gonna max me out and tell me some bullshit about how they aren’t throwing me away or giving up on me. Ha. They’ve been throwing me away and giving up on me since I was 12. When I was 11 and I got arrested, having been arrested numerous times before, the cops told me that they couldn’t wait until I turned 12 because they weren’t even going to call my mom, they were just going to take me straight to jail and let them deal with me. When I turned 12 and caught my first case they looked pretty happy as they did just as they said they would do and transported me to juvy down in Denver. It was a watershed moment in my life. It showed me that juvy wasn’t as bad as I had feared it would be and it also displayed the man’s intentions to lock my ass up. I have never received a second chance. Since the first time I went to court I could see that these motherfuckers didn’t like me. It was almost like they feared me. Whatever it was I could tell from the get that these motherfuckers were gonna take every single bit of me that they could get if I gave them the opportunity to do so. They have never had any compassion towards me, every time I come away feeling like they got something against me, like it’s somehow personal. They could care less why I am the way I am they just want to smash that out of me. They have no desire to rehabilitate me or to help me to rehabilitate myself. They seem to think I’m a lost cause. Unrehabilitatable. I can’t be fixed. I’m not worth the effort to even try. And so every time that I have stupidly tripped up and gave these motherfuckers the opportunity to pass judgement over my life, they have swung for the fences maxing me out every time and stealing years of my life. Public enemy number one. My felonies consist of 2 dope cases and a stolen car. The car I never even stole. Shit never even saw as I was locked up when it got jacked and once again when they recovered the car. I just took that case for my baby momma cause I’m stupid and apparently don’t value my life freedom or time. So all that says is that I’m a stupid drug addict. Not this hardened criminal that they think me to be. I’m no more a threat to society then are the police. I’m probably less of a threat because chances are I’m not going to kill you but can we say that about the pigs? Yeah probably not. But regardless, if I go to court, they send me to jail, so it’s no surprise that I don’t like court. And if these motherfuckers are going to lock me up every chance they get then why in the fuck do you think I’m just going to go to court willingly? Just walk in there and give myself up? I have never given those motherfuckers anything in my entire life, not one thing. Everything that they’ve gotten from me, those motherfuckers stole it. Say what you want I give no fucks. I have grown accustomed to the loneliness this lifestyle affords to me and to the scorn I’ll receive from the masses. It’s easy to judge a life you’ve never lived. It’s easy to explain how you would do it so much better. It’s not hard to sit in the comfort of your own life knowing that you’ll never have to trade places with me and to criticize me and my choices. It’s nothing to run your mouth from afar because there’s little chance of us crossing paths with me of the knowledge and me punching you in your fucking mouth. So have at it. Carry on. I give zero fucks. I am the captain of this ship, the author of this story. I am the one who has to do the time so I may as well call the shots, that way at least I’m not all salty with someone. I’ve got nobody to blame but myself. I like it like that.
So I found out tonight that a close friend, one who survived the test of time, past away last night in his bed. Foil next to the bed accompanied somewhere close by the guilty blu who slew my friend. This one fucked me up. I’m super sad. And right next to the sorrow, the grief, is the unmistakable feeling of gratitude, relief that I didn’t sell him that pill. That shit would of been a hard pill to swallow no pun intended. Cody you were a good friend, a good dad, a good son. You were a good dude and I’m going to miss you dearly. This new battle that we fight out here on the streets is no joke. These blues are all bad, with every intention to take as many lives as it’s greedy hunger can get. No fucks given, fentanyl has hit the streets running, taking over the drug screen with a ruthlessness unseen before. These things are killing everyone. I knew this dude, a 20 year intravenous drug user who quit shooting heroin overnight when he started smoking blues. He wasn’t some youngster who was inexperienced, he had been getting high his whole adult life and one morning he wakes up first blue he smokes of the day and he’s dead. Dead. That’s crazy. He hadn’t been getting smashed all day and just finally tipped over the cart. It was the first blue he’d smoked that day, after 20 of abusing drugs and surviving, the first high of the day. Dead. That shit is crazy. But that happened and it did get me to thinking but it never got me to feeling. This one’s got me feeling. Cody was my friend, someone I’d known since I was in my early 20’s and still fucked around with to this day. I watched him grow from a goofy fairplay teenager into a solid man. Father of two boys he loved his children very much and he was a great dad. He was one of the friends that knew me as a father. He came with me and Brooklyn and her mother when we went to Las Vegas on a spur of the moment trip which we were entirely unprepared for and which lasted about a week and cost about $8,000. I remember we had a room at the Bellagio and the room had a bar which was controlled by motion sensors. The lady at the front desk told me it you don’t want it don’t touch it cause if you touch it you’re gonna buy it. We walk into the room and Cody walks straight up to the bar and looking down grabs an internet connection cable. Holding it up he says what is this? I look at him like he’s retarded and told him I don’t know but we own it now. He was a good dude. He will be missed. I will miss him severely. He wasn’t some harden, experienced drug addict but he wasn’t some rookie either. He knew what time it was and he wouldn’t have knowingly done this. This had to be a mistake. But mistake or no this shit is done and Cody lays dead somewhere in Colorado Springs, waiting for his final destination. And I’m left here to think. To live, for the time being.
Just so you know, I think you’re doing a fantastic job. I think you are beautiful and magical and wonderful. The world can be a cold shot. People suck. Society is flawed. Life can be rough. We all have piles of reasons why we could give up, why we could go left as fuck and just piss it off. So those of you who keep getting up and giving it their all, y’all are some bad motherfuckers. Those of you who continuously get knocked down yet refuse to give up, y’all are my people and I’m wicked proud that you are. Not an ounce of quit in you. And that’s a beautiful thing to behold. Strength is gained through struggle. Steel is forged in fire. And triumph tastes so much better when you use it to wash out the taste of defeat. To those of you out there killing the game, congrats. But this isn’t necessarily for you. This is for my kindred spirits that still dwell in that dark place yet remain searching for a glimpse of sunlight. Keep at it motherfuckers. Nobody likes a quitter and who’s to say that today isn’t that day. The day where the sun finally breaks through the clouds and shines down on your beautiful, tired souls. I know it’s been rough, trust me I fucking know. I know that shit hasn’t been fair. I know that you don’t deserve half of the rotten shit that’s happened to you but hold fast motherfuckers. Hold fast. Suns gotta shine on a dogs ass every once in a while. Through your pain and suffering your glory will emerge. And when it does, your shine will be the shit that legends are made up. Star dust and shit. I love you all and regardless of what I am personally going through I will always love you. Y’all are fucking rad. Head up, shoulders back. We be motherfucking gangsters round here.
3. 2. 1. Ka-boom.
I am a conundrum even to myself, maybe especially to myself. I’m a walking oxymoron. Yin and yang all built up into one. The smartest retard you’ll ever meet. The nicest asshole. The most logical lunatic. Insecure and cocky, confidently unsure of myself. I’m my own worst critic, much harder on myself then anyone would ever be able to be on me and having all the information being as how I was there, I am brutal on myself when I fuck up. Being unforgiving of my mistake’s because to be completely honest I absolutely knew better and yet here I still sit. I am a tightly bundled train wreck. A scolding hot mess. I’ve got so many problems that my problems got problems. I am a disaster from virtually every angle. My communication skills are wack. Boundaries, wack. Social skills, wack. I have no idea how to healthily, positively, productively communicate my wants or needs with anybody. I have zero idea how to establish good healthy boundaries with anybody in my life. Nobody. Not friends or family. Not randoms that cross my path nor long lasting riders that have been around forever, they have no boundaries and so consequently everyone walks all over me and I get taken advantage of regularly. I’ve forever been an outcast, the black sheep, socially unacceptable since the day I joined society and so I quickly taught myself how to turn the other cheek, how to detach myself so that I didn’t care what others thought about me and what I was doing. I quickly became hardened to the opinions of the masses, caring very little what was thought about me or said about me and so for as long as I can remember, I’ve always just done what I want. I don’t think that I’ve ever done anything because someone else wanted me to do it, in fact if you want me to do it then it immediately loses all its attraction for me. If I’m told not to do something then you can almost count on me doing it or vise versa. I am an anarchistic. An apathetic nihilist. I am the kid that you’re parents told you not to hang out with and I became the man they warned you not to be like. I dropped out of high school first chance I got. Poorly educated yet highly intelligent I am virtually 100% self-taught. I refused to take a motherfuckers word on it, deciding to instead receive my education from the school of hard knocks. The hard road was the only road I ever saw. I never knew that I had the choice. It seems like all my life I’ve just been headed to the scene of the accident. 900 mph, straight towards the crash. I’m self-destructive as fuck, sabotaging anything in my life that ever looked like it could bring me happiness and contentment. Pissed away opportunity after opportunity. Chased away any kind of love. Subconsciously I do not care for myself much at all, subconsciously believing all the bullshit I was told as a child about being bad and not deserving anything good in my life. Subconsciously I hate myself and refuse to allow myself anything nice, smothering anything positive and pulling it into the abyss.
It takes no time and very little effort to be kind to people. Tell someone that they look good today. Compliment them on something in their lives. Their looks, their behavior, the way they do something. Acknowledge the energy they put into life, the special way they do things. Our humanity is dying. Society grows colder and more aloof every day. People ignoring others in need because of a thousand different excuses, none really worth jack shit yet all being generally accepted by the masses. People are becoming more self-absorbed daily. Concerned only by their own lives they stumble through their days with tunnel vision. Focusing inwardly they are completely blind to the struggles and needs of others. Instead of feeling bad for others misfortune they instead feel gratitude that its not happening to them. Turning a blind eye to the suffering around them for fear of it being contagious. You know, one small simple act of kindness, of humanity per day, things like holding a door open, paying a compliment, acknowledging someone’s efforts, their struggles. One simple act a day can change the lives of 365 people a year. The smallest action, something that is nothing to you but a smile, a simple remark, a passing thought, only minutes of your life, can mean absolutely everything to someone else. A kind word, a compassionate ear, a helping hand can all have the ability to change someone’s life for the good. Regardless of your situation, regardless of how other people act or behave, regardless of how people feel or think we are all in this shit together. There is only a very vague difference between us, on a primal level we are all exactly the same. We are all made of star dust. All originating from the same source we are in fact all one. My problems are your problems and yours mine. Our fears are shared as are our dreams. By helping him or her you are in fact actually helping out yourself. Kindness, like love is a very powerful frequency. A vibration strong enough to change the world it is also quite contagious causing a ripple effect that quite frankly we are in desperate need of. Understand the magic that you contain, the magic that you are and unleash it upon the world. Open yourself to the love that is born within you. Stop letting your fear overwhelm and bury your compassion. Refuse to allow your judgements and opinions of others to numb you to their needs, to mute your compassion, your humanity. Realize that they in fact want us to be separated, that their goal is to divide us. They don’t want us working together, they fear it. They want you to hate what isn’t you, what’s different. They want you to focus on the differences, differences that have more to do with location and climate then anything else and they want them to repulse your core. They promote a need to be better then, to be superior. Applauding independence, encouraging the idea of self while pushing away from a togetherness. A connectivity. Keeping you right where they want you, guiding you with your puppet strings. With our puppet strings. Because we are connected whether you want it or not. You are me and I you, and we are everything else as well. I am me and you are you, singularly we are demigods capable of magnificent acts. Immortal and unstoppable. But together we extend beyond anything that can be described, be explained. Together we form like voltron and become God. So if you can’t love yourself then love somebody else. And if you can’t love another I hope you love yourself. Look out for each other and take it easy on yourselves.
There is a grip of shit wrong with the kids now days, from their laziness to their indecision on whether or not they are boys or girls, and everywhere in between. I think, and this is coming from what people would call an abused child, that one of the, if not the biggest problem with kids now days is they don’t get their asses beat anymore. Shit kids aren’t even being spanked anymore, let alone having their asses handed to them, and it shows. I was a difficult child, very hand to handle, so hard in fact that nobody even tried after second or third grade. I was, strike that, I am a troublemaker. A catalyst for chaos. I took a shit ton of beatings as a kid, so many that I have no idea on the number of the times I got punched in my mouth. There was very little that could control Jason the Destroyer, actually nothing could control me but one thing that kinda kept me close was the knowledge that if I did do something that I wasn’t supposed to be doing and I got caught, I could almost guarantee that I was gonna catch one in the mouth from the old man. First off I wasn’t a rat like these soft ass kids we got running around right now days so I wasn’t gonna tell when I got beat up. The few times that someone did ask me I would just say that I fell down some stairs and that was as far as it ever went. Good enough excuse for them, who fucking cares that I lived in a trailer and always had, who cares that trailers don’t have the kind of stairs it was gonna take me to fall down in order to take that kind of damage. Nobody gave a shit. The way I looked at it was that these adults were just thinking, if he was my kid I would be whooping his ass too. But almost everything that I did, all the shit that I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing, a big ass warning sign would pop up in my head screaming, are you really sure you want to be doing this? My answer was usually yes but it did make me think seriously about whether or not I should do whatever it was. It also was a huge teacher in the lesson respect. Of my elders mainly but it applied to everyone and so I at the age 10 knew more about respect then these kids know by 18, maybe 20/25. Nothing quite educates you like a solid punch right in your mouth. I also believe that you have never truly lived unless you have caught a beating, or at least been in a fight. Back in the day it was almost a guarantee that as a boy, by the time you graduated high school, you’d probably been in at least one fight. Not now. Now you could live your entire life without ever getting into one fight, which causes assholes to walk around running their mouths and treating people however they see fit to treat them, no fear of getting bashed out. This is not a good thing.
Oh how the mighty have fallen
It’s a trip what can happen in a years time, how much can happen, how much can change. Same time of the year one year ago, my life is a complete flip. Where I was financially secure, more then doing ok last year, this year I’m hit. Broke as fuck, just barely getting along. Riddled with debt, having suffered numerous setbacks and constant difficulties just to get paid money that is rightfully mine. Last year I was comfortably settled into a location that I was growing steadily to know as home. A place in Silverthorne, my stomping grounds, basically a dream spot. Obviously a dream spot, because a year later and it may as well have been a dream, with me basically being homeless, or right on the verge of it. The only places I have to go aren’t the best places for me to go with me being in the situation that I am currently in. My mobility is another thing. Last year I had my truck or the steady availability of a legit vehicle, this year I’m fucked. The cops have my truck on a police hold, claiming that it’s evidence to some crime. I don’t foresee having my truck back for at least a year and possibly longer. These motherfuckers won’t even let me get my shit out of it, apparently all my worldly possessions are evidence to some crime, therefore they are out of my reach. A year ago I was pretty depressed, unhappy with my life and overly stressed about the lifestyle I’ve been living. I was pretty much over dealing with my “friends” having come to the conclusion that 90/95% of them were not really my friends and were just using me for a number of different things. The only thing that I was really sure about was the girl I was spending my time with. Although I was still depressed and full of anxiety, my girl was the only thing that was balancing me out, she was the light at the end of my dark and dingy tunnel, the yin to my yang. She was the only thing that made me smile but I never let her know any of that. Instead I let her know about my misery and depression, about my anxiety and angst. I couldn’t tell her the things that were fucking me up the most and I kept her at a distance because there’s something wrong with me and the way my brain works. The better my life is going the more likely I am to self sabotage myself and do shit that’s only gonna cause me problems. And so while a year ago I was in probably the best relationship I’ve possibly ever been in, one year later here I sit, depressed, stressed, unhappy, insecure and alone. Destined to forever regret the way that I handled the last year of my life which has gotten me to the place I am currently at.
New Year’s Resolutions
I know exactly what it takes to (for the most part) live a happy, healthy, successful life. First thing you need is motivation, you have to want it and be willing to work for it. The good things in life are very rarely given to you or easy for you to acquire, chances are they will take work so motivation is very important. Next you need to establish and stick to a solid set of boundaries. Boundaries are an extremely important part of live a happy, healthy, successful life. Next, and this may be the most important part, you need to take and make yourself time for self-care. If you are always looking out for other people it’s pretty hard to look out for yourself? With those things you will be able to get as close to happy, healthy and successful as you’re gonna get. And this is why I am miserable, looking at another visit to the joint, where eventually I will probably die. Not on this one but on some other one down the line somewhere. This being because number one; I have absolutely no boundaries. If it wasn’t for the spell check I wouldn’t even know how to spell that shit. I’ve never tried to establish any kind of boundaries, instead choosing to let people do as they may and walk all over me. Self-care would mean self- love and again that’s something I know jackshit about. I don’t love myself, shit I barely like myself most of the time and so being able to practice self-care gonna be as easy as practicing for surgery, or the superbowl. I have the general idea of what self-care involves but have no real idea how to apply it and quite frankly I don’t really have the desire. Like I said I barely even like myself sometimes and I downright hate myself at times, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever managed to love myself. That’s one of the reasons I’m always trying to look out for other people is so that I don’t have to think about what I need and how badly I need it. I’m not about to care about myself at this stage in my life. I’m still to pissed. I still feel stupid which is probably one of the things I hate the most, feeling stupid. Looking stupid don’t bother me, feeling stupid does. And my motivation is hit or miss. If I feel passionate about something I can find motivation for it, but if history says anything then it says that as soon as I get close to reaching a certain level of success, I also reach self-destruction and implode. The reason for this is that there’s something misswired with my brain and subconsciously I don’t want any of those things. Subconsciously I believe all the bullshit that motherfuckers have told me throughout the years, shit like I’m a loser, I’ll never amount to shit, never be happy. I’ve bought into the bullshit that has brought me to this point. I’m not house trained, domesticated, I’m not in any position to make New Year’s resolutions about character aspects, nothing about becoming a better person because to be completely honest I don’t know if I even want that. So my New Year’s resolution is to not lay down and let these motherfuckers take my life away from me, not just let’s them toss me away. No my New Year’s resolution for this year is to fight these motherfuckers and bash them in the fucking mouth with it. Then once I do that, sue the fuck out of them. Get them to finance the beginning of my revolution.