Kindness

It takes no time and very little effort to be kind to people. Tell someone that they look good today. Compliment them on something in their lives. Their looks, their behavior, the way they do something. Acknowledge the energy they put into life, the special way they do things. Our humanity is dying. Society grows colder and more aloof every day. People ignoring others in need because of a thousand different excuses, none really worth jack shit yet all being generally accepted by the masses. People are becoming more self-absorbed daily. Concerned only by their own lives they stumble through their days with tunnel vision. Focusing inwardly they are completely blind to the struggles and needs of others. Instead of feeling bad for others misfortune they instead feel gratitude that its not happening to them. Turning a blind eye to the suffering around them for fear of it being contagious. You know, one small simple act of kindness, of humanity per day, things like holding a door open, paying a compliment, acknowledging someone’s efforts, their struggles. One simple act a day can change the lives of 365 people a year. The smallest action, something that is nothing to you but a smile, a simple remark, a passing thought, only minutes of your life, can mean absolutely everything to someone else. A kind word, a compassionate ear, a helping hand can all have the ability to change someone’s life for the good. Regardless of your situation, regardless of how other people act or behave, regardless of how people feel or think we are all in this shit together. There is only a very vague difference between us, on a primal level we are all exactly the same. We are all made of star dust. All originating from the same source we are in fact all one. My problems are your problems and yours mine. Our fears are shared as are our dreams. By helping him or her you are in fact actually helping out yourself. Kindness, like love is a very powerful frequency. A vibration strong enough to change the world it is also quite contagious causing a ripple effect that quite frankly we are in desperate need of. Understand the magic that you contain, the magic that you are and unleash it upon the world. Open yourself to the love that is born within you. Stop letting your fear overwhelm and bury your compassion. Refuse to allow your judgements and opinions of others to numb you to their needs, to mute your compassion, your humanity. Realize that they in fact want us to be separated, that their goal is to divide us. They don’t want us working together, they fear it. They want you to hate what isn’t you, what’s different. They want you to focus on the differences, differences that have more to do with location and climate then anything else and they want them to repulse your core. They promote a need to be better then, to be superior. Applauding independence, encouraging the idea of self while pushing away from a togetherness. A connectivity. Keeping you right where they want you, guiding you with your puppet strings. With our puppet strings. Because we are connected whether you want it or not. You are me and I you, and we are everything else as well. I am me and you are you, singularly we are demigods capable of magnificent acts. Immortal and unstoppable. But together we extend beyond anything that can be described, be explained. Together we form like voltron and become God. So if you can’t love yourself then love somebody else. And if you can’t love another I hope you love yourself. Look out for each other and take it easy on yourselves.

Generation Fucked

There is a grip of shit wrong with the kids now days, from their laziness to their indecision on whether or not they are boys or girls, and everywhere in between. I think, and this is coming from what people would call an abused child, that one of the, if not the biggest problem with kids now days is they don’t get their asses beat anymore. Shit kids aren’t even being spanked anymore, let alone having their asses handed to them, and it shows. I was a difficult child, very hand to handle, so hard in fact that nobody even tried after second or third grade. I was, strike that, I am a troublemaker. A catalyst for chaos. I took a shit ton of beatings as a kid, so many that I have no idea on the number of the times I got punched in my mouth. There was very little that could control Jason the Destroyer, actually nothing could control me but one thing that kinda kept me close was the knowledge that if I did do something that I wasn’t supposed to be doing and I got caught, I could almost guarantee that I was gonna catch one in the mouth from the old man. First off I wasn’t a rat like these soft ass kids we got running around right now days so I wasn’t gonna tell when I got beat up. The few times that someone did ask me I would just say that I fell down some stairs and that was as far as it ever went. Good enough excuse for them, who fucking cares that I lived in a trailer and always had, who cares that trailers don’t have the kind of stairs it was gonna take me to fall down in order to take that kind of damage. Nobody gave a shit. The way I looked at it was that these adults were just thinking, if he was my kid I would be whooping his ass too. But almost everything that I did, all the shit that I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing, a big ass warning sign would pop up in my head screaming, are you really sure you want to be doing this? My answer was usually yes but it did make me think seriously about whether or not I should do whatever it was. It also was a huge teacher in the lesson respect. Of my elders mainly but it applied to everyone and so I at the age 10 knew more about respect then these kids know by 18, maybe 20/25. Nothing quite educates you like a solid punch right in your mouth. I also believe that you have never truly lived unless you have caught a beating, or at least been in a fight. Back in the day it was almost a guarantee that as a boy, by the time you graduated high school, you’d probably been in at least one fight. Not now. Now you could live your entire life without ever getting into one fight, which causes assholes to walk around running their mouths and treating people however they see fit to treat them, no fear of getting bashed out. This is not a good thing.

Oh how the mighty have fallen

It’s a trip what can happen in a years time, how much can happen, how much can change. Same time of the year one year ago, my life is a complete flip. Where I was financially secure, more then doing ok last year, this year I’m hit. Broke as fuck, just barely getting along. Riddled with debt, having suffered numerous setbacks and constant difficulties just to get paid money that is rightfully mine. Last year I was comfortably settled into a location that I was growing steadily to know as home. A place in Silverthorne, my stomping grounds, basically a dream spot. Obviously a dream spot, because a year later and it may as well have been a dream, with me basically being homeless, or right on the verge of it. The only places I have to go aren’t the best places for me to go with me being in the situation that I am currently in. My mobility is another thing. Last year I had my truck or the steady availability of a legit vehicle, this year I’m fucked. The cops have my truck on a police hold, claiming that it’s evidence to some crime. I don’t foresee having my truck back for at least a year and possibly longer. These motherfuckers won’t even let me get my shit out of it, apparently all my worldly possessions are evidence to some crime, therefore they are out of my reach. A year ago I was pretty depressed, unhappy with my life and overly stressed about the lifestyle I’ve been living. I was pretty much over dealing with my “friends” having come to the conclusion that 90/95% of them were not really my friends and were just using me for a number of different things. The only thing that I was really sure about was the girl I was spending my time with. Although I was still depressed and full of anxiety, my girl was the only thing that was balancing me out, she was the light at the end of my dark and dingy tunnel, the yin to my yang. She was the only thing that made me smile but I never let her know any of that. Instead I let her know about my misery and depression, about my anxiety and angst. I couldn’t tell her the things that were fucking me up the most and I kept her at a distance because there’s something wrong with me and the way my brain works. The better my life is going the more likely I am to self sabotage myself and do shit that’s only gonna cause me problems. And so while a year ago I was in probably the best relationship I’ve possibly ever been in, one year later here I sit, depressed, stressed, unhappy, insecure and alone. Destined to forever regret the way that I handled the last year of my life which has gotten me to the place I am currently at.

New Year’s Resolutions

I know exactly what it takes to (for the most part) live a happy, healthy, successful life. First thing you need is motivation, you have to want it and be willing to work for it. The good things in life are very rarely given to you or easy for you to acquire, chances are they will take work so motivation is very important. Next you need to establish and stick to a solid set of boundaries. Boundaries are an extremely important part of live a happy, healthy, successful life. Next, and this may be the most important part, you need to take and make yourself time for self-care. If you are always looking out for other people it’s pretty hard to look out for yourself? With those things you will be able to get as close to happy, healthy and successful as you’re gonna get. And this is why I am miserable, looking at another visit to the joint, where eventually I will probably die. Not on this one but on some other one down the line somewhere. This being because number one; I have absolutely no boundaries. If it wasn’t for the spell check I wouldn’t even know how to spell that shit. I’ve never tried to establish any kind of boundaries, instead choosing to let people do as they may and walk all over me. Self-care would mean self- love and again that’s something I know jackshit about. I don’t love myself, shit I barely like myself most of the time and so being able to practice self-care gonna be as easy as practicing for surgery, or the superbowl. I have the general idea of what self-care involves but have no real idea how to apply it and quite frankly I don’t really have the desire. Like I said I barely even like myself sometimes and I downright hate myself at times, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever managed to love myself. That’s one of the reasons I’m always trying to look out for other people is so that I don’t have to think about what I need and how badly I need it. I’m not about to care about myself at this stage in my life. I’m still to pissed. I still feel stupid which is probably one of the things I hate the most, feeling stupid. Looking stupid don’t bother me, feeling stupid does. And my motivation is hit or miss. If I feel passionate about something I can find motivation for it, but if history says anything then it says that as soon as I get close to reaching a certain level of success, I also reach self-destruction and implode. The reason for this is that there’s something misswired with my brain and subconsciously I don’t want any of those things. Subconsciously I believe all the bullshit that motherfuckers have told me throughout the years, shit like I’m a loser, I’ll never amount to shit, never be happy. I’ve bought into the bullshit that has brought me to this point. I’m not house trained, domesticated, I’m not in any position to make New Year’s resolutions about character aspects, nothing about becoming a better person because to be completely honest I don’t know if I even want that. So my New Year’s resolution is to not lay down and let these motherfuckers take my life away from me, not just let’s them toss me away. No my New Year’s resolution for this year is to fight these motherfuckers and bash them in the fucking mouth with it. Then once I do that, sue the fuck out of them. Get them to finance the beginning of my revolution.

Enough is enough

At times I can be a slow learner. That mixed with the fact that I am loyal as fuck and I struggle to quit anything, lands me in shitty spots all the time. There’s this dude that I’ve known since I was 12. We met each other in juvy and being as how we were both from a small town and the only 2 from that town who were locked up there we automatically became friends. I’m a major fuck up, always getting into trouble, but this dude makes me look like a law abiding citizen with all the trouble he gets into. I’d have to say that he has probably spent 75 maybe 80% of his life locked behind bars. Never for anything serious or very bad but nonetheless he’s gotten caught enough to continuously spend his life in prison. It’s my opinion that the system really just doesn’t like him and so every chance they’ve had, and he’s given them plenty, they lock his ass up. It’s also my opinion that he never really stood a chance. So every time he has been released from custody he has managed to find his way to me, and since I’ve known him forever and I feel for the fact that he’s always getting the shit end of the stick, I’ve always welcomed him with open arms, giving him a place to stay, hooking him up with a job and clothing, and pretty much taken care of any needs that he may have. I’ve looked out for him since the day that we’ve met, putting up with all his bullshit and accepting all of the consequences that having him around has given me. I’ve never excepted anything in return for the kindness’s that I’ve given him instead only hoping to be rewarded with him finally pulling his head out of his ass and becoming the man that I believed that he could become. He still hasn’t gotten there and if anything he is now further away from being that man then he ever was before. I understand institutionalization and am well aware of the uphill battle that he’s fighting in order to get out of this vicious cycle of being in and out of prison. I have forever given him slack because I do know how hard what he needs to do is and so although he is always fucking up and getting sent back to prison I still take him in every time he gets out, regardless of the problems that doing so causes me. So this time he gets out after doing something short of 5 years and offer him some help again. This time unlike all the others he tells me that as much as he appreciates my offer he thinks that this time he’s gonna do what the man requires him to do and he’s going to try and go the right way. This makes me extremely proud and I tell him so, it takes a big man to swallow your pride and accept the demands that the system puts on a man upon his release for incarceration. Well a few days after he tells me this he calls me again crying telling me that his brother billy has just died and he needs me. Without hesitation I head to boulder to swoop him up and bring him home. One day, that’s all it took. The day after I pick him up he gets the police called on him for sleeping in my truck and instead of just cooperating with the pigs he becomes combative and pisses them off cause them to arrest him and in turn dragging me into his mess and getting me arrested as well. The case was fucked and they ended up eventually dropping all charges but only after I have to bond him out of jail and get him somewhere to stay. What this situation also does is put me under the radar of local law enforcement, allowing them an inside view of who I am and what I’m doing. Not to mention the fact that these pigs were forced to drop charges on me that at least in their opinion were pretty big charges, they looked at that situation like it was a big bust for them and losing it got them to feeling pretty salty. It made them have it out for me and it gave them a description of who I was and the vehicle I was driving and a hard on to “get” me. 3 weeks after the first situation the cops, recognizing my truck pulled me over on a bullshit DUI and once again violated my rights, tearing apart my truck and found a safe full of drugs. Obviously they arrested me and gave me the insanely high bond of $75,000 hoping to keep me from being able to bond out and fight the charges from the street. Believe me, I know that these are my charges and I am the one who ultimately put myself here, but the truth is those fucking pigs had no idea who I was or what I was doing and they definitely didn’t have any idea what I was driving. They also didn’t have any grudges towards me or reasons to look for me and a way to fuck me over. I didn’t give them that at all, that was absolutely mouse that gave them that shit. So take that out of the equation I still got a place to stay and the ability to build something for himself as long as he put in the work required to do so. This was over 2 months ago. In that time Mouse has managed to do absolutely nothing, he hasn’t even gotten himself clothing yet nstead choosing to steal mine when I went to jail and he stupidly assumed that I wouldn’t get out which in his peanut brain meant that my shit must be up for grabs. He initially had a job with a friend of mine but after weeks of proving that he was worthless at the job my friend had no choice but to cut him loose. He is a self proclaimed tattoo artist yet has done no tattoos and hasn’t even attempted to acquire anybody that would like a tattoo in the future, at least not from him. He brings no food back to the house yet still manages to eat 3 meals a day if not more. He’s got no money yet expects to be given cigarettes and gotten high. When I confront him about the situation, explaining to him the spot he has put me in and that I am being forced to remove him if he doesn’t figure something out immediately, he comes at me with some excuse or another never once taking accountability for his actions or lack there of. And even have been given an ultimatum of shit or get off the pot, this motherfucker has done nothing, believing that I’m bluffing and since I’ve always taken care of him there is no way that I will throw him out on his head. Well motherfucker jokes on you because we are literally days from your eviction out into a cold unforgiving world where nobody is going to carry you and coddle you until pull your head out of your ass. My last guck has been given. Get on before you get spit on

Thanksgiving

Holidays used to be a big thing for me. I used to look forward to them, counting down the days until they arrived. I would be excited at the prospect of getting to be with loved ones and spend the holiday with them. It didn’t bother me that most holidays are bullshit celebrations used by the powers that be in order to fleece the general population for their hard earned money. I couldn’t care less about all that because for me, holidays just meant an opportunity to spend time with those I love and the chance at smashing some delicious food and put a little weight on my skinny ass frame. As time has gone by their importance has dwindled along with the size of my circle of loved ones. There was a time where I would have the opportunity to go to 3 maybe 4 Thanksgiving day dinners, getting invitations from all kinds of different people. Now I am lucky if I get invited to one. This year I didn’t invited to come eat anywhere, not even to my sisters. That’s a cold shot right there. I sit here, my stomach growling at me thinking where did it all go wrong? How is it that I couldn’t even get one invitation? I mean I know that I’m a hot mess, that my lifestyle and the choices that I have made have alienated me and pushed people further and further away but the person that I am and my character itself haven’t changed much at all. If anything, I’m a better person then I used to be, more grown up and less of an asshole. I’m more understanding and less opinionated. I’m constantly looking to better myself and grow. And my need to be around the people that I love hasn’t done anything but grow. Unfortunately their need to be around me seems to dwindle as the years go by and if this trend is actually a thing it’s not gonna be long before I am eating tv dinners in run down hotel rooms all by myself. Happy Thanksgiving? Yeah probably not.

The little things

It’s crazy how fast things can change. One minute everything is going one way, you begin you grow accustomed to things being a certain way, people being a certain way. You lose sight of the importance of the things in your life expecting that they are just always going to be there. Truth is things change, people change. Life has a way of throwing you curveballs but more often then not, it’s not the universe that makes these changes in your, usually it’s your own doing. You start to grow complacent, you stop appreciating things believing that these things are owed you or that they are yours. More often then not they are just little things, at least that is how they seem until they are gone. Their absence magnifies them, draws light to them, and what once seemed like something little shows itself to be much more. My priorities are all fucked up, which makes sense because my life is pretty fucked up itself. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I managed to get all turned around and now I’m not even sure where I’m going. I am not even sure exactly where it was I was trying to go, or why I was trying to go there. Maybe i wasn’t trying to go anywhere. Anyways, little things are always little things until they’re gone and become big things

Seasons

It seems like I somehow missed the summer. The leafs have already changed colors and are falling off the trees. The temperature has steadily dropped and it’s fixing to drop further on our way to winter. We have already had our first snow and the mountain peaks have been snowy numerous times when I’ve woken up in the morning. I don’t know how I managed to miss the warm months but I sure the fuck did. I’m not a big fan of the winter or of snow or just being cold in general. I had intended to pack my bags and escape Colorado during the summer, headed for a place that actually has 4 seasons. Somewhere that doesn’t snow for 7 months out of the year. Somewhere that I am not always freezing my balls off. But as often happens with me when I try and make some kind of plan, disaster strikes and any plans I had are tossed and replaced with someone else’s plan. I was actually just 2 days away from leaving when the bottom fell out and I managed to lock myself here for the unforseen future. I knew that this was gonna happen. I was telling everyone that I needed to leave, that if I didn’t get out soon some shit was gonna happen and I was gonna get stuck here with a new case. I was only 2 days away. I was just waiting for this chick to pay me the $3,000 that she owed me and I was gonna use that to finance my escape. Oh well. Not only did I not get the $3,000 I was right about not getting out of here in time. Fortunately, I didn’t catch an indictment like I had feared. I did catch a case which is not good, but it absolutely could have been a whole lot worse. And the silver lining with this whole situation is that the cops that pulled this shit have a vendetta against me and broke all kinds of rules in order to “catch” me and so in fair world, these charges wouldn’t stick and I would be able to turn around and sue the pigs civilly for them violating my civil rights and fucking my life up. Unfortunately, this world isn’t always fair and so even though the state has a bunk ass case and the evidence has no choice but to prove that, I am still gonna have to go to war with these motherfuckers in order to keep myself out of prison. I’m stuck with the option of either using the public pretender as my lawyer or going and spending $15,000 to $25,000 to obtain a private attorney. Then I have to rely on my lawyer to rise all of the shady ass things involved in this case and cross my fingers that the cops don’t lose all of the evidence that will prove my case, leaving me stuck in a he said she said situation with the fucking pigs. I am hoping that it doesn’t have to come down to their word against mine and instead just have justice prevail. If everything goes as I hope it will go and in all reality as it legally should go, this case will get dropped on its head with a motion to dismiss and I’ll walk out the courtroom free to pursue my happiness once again. Then since these motherfuckers want to try and lie and cheat and steal my life away, looking to toss me away with no regards to the law, lacking both integrity and knowledge of the law and most of all lacking any kind of moral compass. Since they want to go and do all of that, well I see no reason why I shouldn’t sue the fuck out of these stupid pigs. Worse case I still am able to sue them for the 4th amendment violation from Aug 5th and collect a little bread, but if things go like I think they should I can bash them on 2 separate 4th amendment violations, plus the false imprisonment, the denial of medical attention while in jail, pain and suffering, defamation, loss of wages. That shit would be a payday.

Rocks & Minerals

For 40 years I’ve lived in Colorado, give or take and for the entire time, up until about the last year I couldn’t give two fucks about rocks. Surround by all kinds of varieties of rocks gems and minerals and I was much more concerned with bangin and slangin. Then, I’m not really sure what happen but overnight I became consumed with curiosity about these things that prior to that moment seemed unimportant and boring, sure they are pretty, but my baby momma is gorgeous and one of if not the most toxic, ugly waste of time on the planet so how something looks has absolutely nothing to do with its worth. Just like I was wrong about my baby momma I was just as wrong about rocks, gems and minerals. I’ve caught something like gold fever except on a wider scale. I’ve only been building my collection for a short time, like 6 maybe 8 months and I already have a pretty awesome collection. I’ve got everything from tourmaline to pyrite. From amazonite to zebra jasper. I’ve got rocks that glow in the dark, rocks that glow in the black light, rocks of every shape and color. I got rocks for anxiety, for cleansing, for protection, for success and good luck. I got a rock for any of life’s situations. I have some rocks worth next to nothing yet look super cool and then I have rocks worth large sums of money(those also look super cool). And I have an unclenchable thirst for more. I’ll catch myself looking at rocks as I’m walking along, wondering what they are and if they have any value? I wonder how many times in all my travels that I just walked right past cool ass pieces, completely clueless to exactly what I’m passing. In this new life that I’m attempting to create I am gonna need normal healthy hobbies and interests, rockhounding and rocks is definitely gonna be high on that list.

Falling Off

When I first began writing this blog I would have a few people like a blog that I wrote. Occasionally I would get a comment or two. My following, although slow was growing and I at least felt as is if someone was reading the shit I would write. That doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. I haven’t had someone like a blog is a while, months. I haven’t had anybody comment on anything, haven’t gotten a new follower and to be honest, I’m not even sure if anybody is reading this shit. In fact I’m almost positive that nobody is reading this shit. It’s basically a glorified journal. I don’t need to pay money for a domain name just to write in a journal. I started this dumb ass shit because I Googled how to become a writer and this was the first thing they recommend, that everything I read about becoming a writer recommend. Every article I read said start a blog and find a niche. Well a year after starting this blog I am no closer to being a writer then I was a year ago, the blog, after starting out ok isn’t growing at all anymore. No likes, no new followers, no comments and I’m pretty sure nobody is reading shit. I have no niche, shit I don’t even know exactly what a niche is. There is no niche for what I like to write. This shit isn’t helping me at all, not in my goal to become a writer, and not with my confidence in my writing. I have no idea how to market my writing, no idea how to get my name or my writing out there. No idea how to grow my blog and further my dreams of becoming a writer. For years now everyone has been telling me that I’m a writer and the pessimist in me has argued against it. I’m not a fucking writer I just have a way of talking that people find interesting. My dreams of writing are just that, dreams. I’d be better off just tossing this whole fucking joke and investing my time in something that is actually going to benefit me and be worth my time, or at least isn’t going to leave me feeling unimportant and retarded. Start a blog they said. Why? For what? Find a niche they said. What if there is no niche for me? Like everything in my life, I just don’t fit. Just an outcast. And apparently everyone all my life has been right about me. I’m just a fuck up. Born to lose. Destined to die cold and alone, oh and apparently poor because any hopes of becoming a writer get more and more bleak with every word I write. I’d be better off just writing in a journal because at least with that shit I don’t get my feelings hurt when I get rejected.