Thanksgiving

Holidays used to be a big thing for me. I used to look forward to them, counting down the days until they arrived. I would be excited at the prospect of getting to be with loved ones and spend the holiday with them. It didn’t bother me that most holidays are bullshit celebrations used by the powers that be in order to fleece the general population for their hard earned money. I couldn’t care less about all that because for me, holidays just meant an opportunity to spend time with those I love and the chance at smashing some delicious food and put a little weight on my skinny ass frame. As time has gone by their importance has dwindled along with the size of my circle of loved ones. There was a time where I would have the opportunity to go to 3 maybe 4 Thanksgiving day dinners, getting invitations from all kinds of different people. Now I am lucky if I get invited to one. This year I didn’t invited to come eat anywhere, not even to my sisters. That’s a cold shot right there. I sit here, my stomach growling at me thinking where did it all go wrong? How is it that I couldn’t even get one invitation? I mean I know that I’m a hot mess, that my lifestyle and the choices that I have made have alienated me and pushed people further and further away but the person that I am and my character itself haven’t changed much at all. If anything, I’m a better person then I used to be, more grown up and less of an asshole. I’m more understanding and less opinionated. I’m constantly looking to better myself and grow. And my need to be around the people that I love hasn’t done anything but grow. Unfortunately their need to be around me seems to dwindle as the years go by and if this trend is actually a thing it’s not gonna be long before I am eating tv dinners in run down hotel rooms all by myself. Happy Thanksgiving? Yeah probably not.

The little things

It’s crazy how fast things can change. One minute everything is going one way, you begin you grow accustomed to things being a certain way, people being a certain way. You lose sight of the importance of the things in your life expecting that they are just always going to be there. Truth is things change, people change. Life has a way of throwing you curveballs but more often then not, it’s not the universe that makes these changes in your, usually it’s your own doing. You start to grow complacent, you stop appreciating things believing that these things are owed you or that they are yours. More often then not they are just little things, at least that is how they seem until they are gone. Their absence magnifies them, draws light to them, and what once seemed like something little shows itself to be much more. My priorities are all fucked up, which makes sense because my life is pretty fucked up itself. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I managed to get all turned around and now I’m not even sure where I’m going. I am not even sure exactly where it was I was trying to go, or why I was trying to go there. Maybe i wasn’t trying to go anywhere. Anyways, little things are always little things until they’re gone and become big things

Seasons

It seems like I somehow missed the summer. The leafs have already changed colors and are falling off the trees. The temperature has steadily dropped and it’s fixing to drop further on our way to winter. We have already had our first snow and the mountain peaks have been snowy numerous times when I’ve woken up in the morning. I don’t know how I managed to miss the warm months but I sure the fuck did. I’m not a big fan of the winter or of snow or just being cold in general. I had intended to pack my bags and escape Colorado during the summer, headed for a place that actually has 4 seasons. Somewhere that doesn’t snow for 7 months out of the year. Somewhere that I am not always freezing my balls off. But as often happens with me when I try and make some kind of plan, disaster strikes and any plans I had are tossed and replaced with someone else’s plan. I was actually just 2 days away from leaving when the bottom fell out and I managed to lock myself here for the unforseen future. I knew that this was gonna happen. I was telling everyone that I needed to leave, that if I didn’t get out soon some shit was gonna happen and I was gonna get stuck here with a new case. I was only 2 days away. I was just waiting for this chick to pay me the $3,000 that she owed me and I was gonna use that to finance my escape. Oh well. Not only did I not get the $3,000 I was right about not getting out of here in time. Fortunately, I didn’t catch an indictment like I had feared. I did catch a case which is not good, but it absolutely could have been a whole lot worse. And the silver lining with this whole situation is that the cops that pulled this shit have a vendetta against me and broke all kinds of rules in order to “catch” me and so in fair world, these charges wouldn’t stick and I would be able to turn around and sue the pigs civilly for them violating my civil rights and fucking my life up. Unfortunately, this world isn’t always fair and so even though the state has a bunk ass case and the evidence has no choice but to prove that, I am still gonna have to go to war with these motherfuckers in order to keep myself out of prison. I’m stuck with the option of either using the public pretender as my lawyer or going and spending $15,000 to $25,000 to obtain a private attorney. Then I have to rely on my lawyer to rise all of the shady ass things involved in this case and cross my fingers that the cops don’t lose all of the evidence that will prove my case, leaving me stuck in a he said she said situation with the fucking pigs. I am hoping that it doesn’t have to come down to their word against mine and instead just have justice prevail. If everything goes as I hope it will go and in all reality as it legally should go, this case will get dropped on its head with a motion to dismiss and I’ll walk out the courtroom free to pursue my happiness once again. Then since these motherfuckers want to try and lie and cheat and steal my life away, looking to toss me away with no regards to the law, lacking both integrity and knowledge of the law and most of all lacking any kind of moral compass. Since they want to go and do all of that, well I see no reason why I shouldn’t sue the fuck out of these stupid pigs. Worse case I still am able to sue them for the 4th amendment violation from Aug 5th and collect a little bread, but if things go like I think they should I can bash them on 2 separate 4th amendment violations, plus the false imprisonment, the denial of medical attention while in jail, pain and suffering, defamation, loss of wages. That shit would be a payday.

Rocks & Minerals

For 40 years I’ve lived in Colorado, give or take and for the entire time, up until about the last year I couldn’t give two fucks about rocks. Surround by all kinds of varieties of rocks gems and minerals and I was much more concerned with bangin and slangin. Then, I’m not really sure what happen but overnight I became consumed with curiosity about these things that prior to that moment seemed unimportant and boring, sure they are pretty, but my baby momma is gorgeous and one of if not the most toxic, ugly waste of time on the planet so how something looks has absolutely nothing to do with its worth. Just like I was wrong about my baby momma I was just as wrong about rocks, gems and minerals. I’ve caught something like gold fever except on a wider scale. I’ve only been building my collection for a short time, like 6 maybe 8 months and I already have a pretty awesome collection. I’ve got everything from tourmaline to pyrite. From amazonite to zebra jasper. I’ve got rocks that glow in the dark, rocks that glow in the black light, rocks of every shape and color. I got rocks for anxiety, for cleansing, for protection, for success and good luck. I got a rock for any of life’s situations. I have some rocks worth next to nothing yet look super cool and then I have rocks worth large sums of money(those also look super cool). And I have an unclenchable thirst for more. I’ll catch myself looking at rocks as I’m walking along, wondering what they are and if they have any value? I wonder how many times in all my travels that I just walked right past cool ass pieces, completely clueless to exactly what I’m passing. In this new life that I’m attempting to create I am gonna need normal healthy hobbies and interests, rockhounding and rocks is definitely gonna be high on that list.

Falling Off

When I first began writing this blog I would have a few people like a blog that I wrote. Occasionally I would get a comment or two. My following, although slow was growing and I at least felt as is if someone was reading the shit I would write. That doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. I haven’t had someone like a blog is a while, months. I haven’t had anybody comment on anything, haven’t gotten a new follower and to be honest, I’m not even sure if anybody is reading this shit. In fact I’m almost positive that nobody is reading this shit. It’s basically a glorified journal. I don’t need to pay money for a domain name just to write in a journal. I started this dumb ass shit because I Googled how to become a writer and this was the first thing they recommend, that everything I read about becoming a writer recommend. Every article I read said start a blog and find a niche. Well a year after starting this blog I am no closer to being a writer then I was a year ago, the blog, after starting out ok isn’t growing at all anymore. No likes, no new followers, no comments and I’m pretty sure nobody is reading shit. I have no niche, shit I don’t even know exactly what a niche is. There is no niche for what I like to write. This shit isn’t helping me at all, not in my goal to become a writer, and not with my confidence in my writing. I have no idea how to market my writing, no idea how to get my name or my writing out there. No idea how to grow my blog and further my dreams of becoming a writer. For years now everyone has been telling me that I’m a writer and the pessimist in me has argued against it. I’m not a fucking writer I just have a way of talking that people find interesting. My dreams of writing are just that, dreams. I’d be better off just tossing this whole fucking joke and investing my time in something that is actually going to benefit me and be worth my time, or at least isn’t going to leave me feeling unimportant and retarded. Start a blog they said. Why? For what? Find a niche they said. What if there is no niche for me? Like everything in my life, I just don’t fit. Just an outcast. And apparently everyone all my life has been right about me. I’m just a fuck up. Born to lose. Destined to die cold and alone, oh and apparently poor because any hopes of becoming a writer get more and more bleak with every word I write. I’d be better off just writing in a journal because at least with that shit I don’t get my feelings hurt when I get rejected.

Go figure

My truck had been the light at the end of the tunnel. It was my escape hatch, the thing I was gonna use to elevate myself out of this shit hole I manage to find myself in. Ever since I’ve got the truck I have been working on it, trying to shore it up, trying to get everything in line so that it’s running good and so I don’t find myself broke down on the side of the road somewhere. Every time I think that I’m close, just about to finish fixing something and having the truck at 100%, something else happens and I find myself in the exact some spot I started in. It’s never ending. As soon as I finish one thing I discover 2 more that need to be fixed. All I wanted was to be able to have air conditioning for those really hot days in really hot climates. Switched the air conditioning from R12 to whatever this use now and that ended up fucking my cooling systems. Now I can even fill the truck up with coolant because it just pours right back out. I thought that it was the water pump so I ordered a new water pump. Waited 2 days to get the part only to find out the new part was damaged so I had to go back and reorder the part. Got the new part and installed it and my truck is still leaking coolant, from where I have no idea. I’m not a mechanic. Not even close. With the help of YouTube I am able to fix my truck but I don’t have any idea what I am doing. I don’t understand how shit works so although I’m fixing shit, I’m not learning anything and I’m not making shit any easier to understand. What I do know is that I’m drifting further and further from being ok. I was trying to escape colorado before I caught another case but I failed, now I’m looking at a handful of new felony charges and who knows how many years in prison. Luckily I never finished this post having started it a couple weeks ago and ending up there. Since then, I’ve had a stroke of good luck and those dumb pigs having violated my 4th amendment rights they had to dismiss the charges against me and so I dodged a bullet there. But my truck remains fucked up cause when I was trying to put a gasket on the thermostat housing I ended up tightening the bolt to tight and so I cracked the housing where the bolt hole is into two pieces. I made an attempt to JB weld it yesterday and left it sitting so it could cure. I’m just about to see if that’s gonna do the trick but I have my suspicions that I’m gonna have to go to a pick and pull to get the part. It’s the thermostat housing. It is under a lot of pressure all the time with the coolant constantly flowing through it heating and cooling, I worry that JB weld may not be strong enough. Anyways, we will see. I’m crossing my fingers because my departure is way overdue and I need to get the fuck out of here. I lucked out with those pigs being so fucking dumb but I’m not counting on that ever happening again. I was days away from leaving, as I am right now and I got wrapped up quick as fuck. My entire future snatched up and tossed around like it weighed nothing, and it’s only police incompetence and a bit of luck that sprang me from its grasp. It just as easily could have gone the other way. And until I get out of here I risk the possibility of something similar happening. Crossing my fingers and trying to bring up all the positive vibrations I possibly can, that the things I need to line up, line up. If that happens I should be good.

Wordsmith

I think I’ve always kinda liked to write. I remember when I first learned about the internet and my excitement over the opportunity to talk shit to people in far away places. Then when I got out of prison the first time and my buddy introduced me to Facebook, telling me I’d be able to use it to pull chick’s, I actually began my writing journey there. My first attempts at what I call Facebook puking were short, angry, and poorly written. My punctuation was nonexistent and they had a repetitive drunken theme. That is one of the things I like about Facebook, through it and its memories thing I am able to witness the progression of my writing. I’m a high school drop out and even when I did go I didn’t give them the time of day so anything I know chances are I taught myself. I taught myself punctuation and through trial and error learned to write. I am not a bad writer now, definitely room to improve but for all things considered, I’m pretty good. I think that a lot of it has to do with the way I write as opposed to what I’m writing about but what I write about definitely has its spot too. I recently had an experience on Facebook where I wrote some shit about being codependent and I got a comment on it from a girl I was in kindergarten with, until I dropped out. She complimented the writing, calling it beautiful, saying she felt the same as I did and my words could have been hers and that she might steal it. She ended it with something about failing at something and feeling bad for her and wanting to lighten her load I told her that her comment had made me feel less alone. Fast-forward an hour or two and I’m scrolling through Facebook and I see that she did in fact steal my post and post it on hers. At first I believed that she’d just copied and pasted my actual post but as I began to read I noticed that while they were goddamned close to my words, and some of them were exact, she had changed it. A little here, a little there and with minimal alteration my words became hers. This person. Is someone I haven’t seen in forever and when I had we probably didn’t say shit to each other besides possibly a hello. We were friendly but by no means were we friends. I’d always liked her and I think she had never had a problem with me but we just ran in different circles. She joined the military out of high school and became career military. Marrying another career military dude she had a family and at least for appearances sake looked like she was killing it. Me? Yeah I went a different route and without getting into any detail I will just say that I’m not living a life anywhere close to the one she is. Yet a post that I wrote. A post that came from somewhere inside of me about something I seriously feel strongly is causing problems in my life, can just be tweaked the tiniest bit and now it’s as if they are words written by her explaining her life. The fit her perfectly. It’s a trip. It’s kinda fucking me up. After reading her posted I commented telling her that I liked hers better and thanking her for the experience. Then I read all the comments on her post and saw that apparently there was a lot of people who could have taken my words and applied them to there lives. I wish I knew what to do about this whole thing because I feel like there are magic in those and opportunity as well. I just don’t know exactly what to do about it.

People suck

It’s pretty shitty that the quality of people has dropped so low. Maybe it’s always been like this but I’m not so sure. I feel like when I was a kid people were way different. I feel like they cared about each other more and weren’t so low rent. I feel like morals and integrity are a dying concept. People these days are more concerned with being savage then they are with being kind. Kids didn’t go into schools and waste the other kids because someone was making fun of them. We thought about it and that’s where that shit ended because something inside you stops you short telling you that shits wrong. They do these kids not have that? When I was a kid I was taught to respect my elders for fear that if I didn’t I was gonna get my ass beat. I was taught that if an adult told me to do something I did it, regardless of whether or not I wanted to do it. Apparently we aren’t teaching that anymore, apparently we have decided to let the kids run the show. Dictating to us how they are gonna be brought up and what they get to do. I used to fear my father, now it seems we fear the kids. Or at least the loss of them. You know how we fix the fucked up situation that we find our society in these days? Through the children. We need to teach them the right way to be so they can teach their children and eventually things get turned around. That’s not what we are doing. Day by day we slip farther away from our humanity, growing more self-absorbed and shallow daily. More numb to the needs of others with every passing day. The hidden truth is that we need each other in order to become all that we can be. Good luck with that.

And I’m out

I think I’m gonna leave on Friday, possibly Saturday morning. Regardless by this time next week I’ll be gone. Off to new adventures, new experiences, new people. A new life. I am excited. There’s gonna be some shit I will miss, some people, but not many. This has all gotten to be rather cumbersome, so much so in fact that I am more suicidal at this stage of my life then I’ve ever been before this. We’re it not for the people I would victimize by doing it I would have killed myself a while ago but how am I gonna take away my own suffering and give it to the people I love? Yeah I’m not. So instead I’ve just been spiraling down the rabbit hole, deeper and deeper into the sickness inside of me. I’ve gotten so far down that I no longer can see the light, I’m no longer even trying. Momma didn’t raise no fool so instead of continuing down this path like a drunken sailor looking for pussy, instead I’m gonna turn around and head back towards the light. I mean if I’m not gonna kill myself then what’s the point of being miserable? Exactly, there’s none. I’m not even really sure which way I’ve been coming from. I have no idea how to go about finding the light again, I’m not even sure that I ever really saw it in the first place. But the last place I thought I saw it was west so I’m just a few short days I will be heading west, in search of my long lost happiness. This is one of those shit or get off the pot moments, sink or swim. Get busy living or die trying.

Play Ball

I’m getting ready to go to my first Colorado Rockies baseball game at Coors Field. I’ve been a fan of the Rockies since their very first season but I have never actually managed to make it to a game. I’ve had opportunity after opportunity, shit last season my mom got me tickets to a number of different games and I missed every single one. Today though me, my mom, and my girl are all going to see the Rockies battle the Pirates tonight at 6:30. Got pretty sick seats too. Club level seats pretty much right behind home plate, my homeboy told me that they got like a little suite so I’m pretty excited to see how good they really are. Not sure how good the Rockies are doing right now because baseball season are 160+ games long and I haven’t been paying the closest attention but regardless this should be a pretty good time. Might even get on TV. Oh shit, just got a phone call from the homie that’s giving me the tickets and he informed me that my tickets have been upgraded and now my seats are directly behind home plate and they come with dinner at the home plate restaurant as well. The homie told me to wear something nice. Haha, yeah ok. I’ll make sure it’s real nice.